Joke of the Day

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Paddy weighs 250lbs, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks - and, you should loose 20lbs."

When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 80lbs.

"That's amazing!" the doc said.

Paddy nodded, "I'll tell you, I thought I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day."

"What, from hunger?" said the doc.

"No, from the damn skipping!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.



Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'




The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine so I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says,

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks,
"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from? '
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine. '
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, ' the divorce Court judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week, '
'That's very fair, your honor, ' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. '
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife. '
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City? '
The agent replies, 'Just a minute. . '
'Thank you, ' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion. '
Joe: 'Really? '
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell. '
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The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
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I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

It was career day in school. The teacher said that today we will have each student stand up, tell what their dad does for a living, spell the word and tell us what your dad would do if he were here today. Suzi started..."My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r banker. If he were here today he would give everybody a shiny new nickle. Next Bobby stood up. My daddy is a farmer, f-a-r-m-e-r, farmer. If he were here today he would tell you how to plant a garden. "Very Good Bobby" said the teacher.Next it was Sams turn. "My dad is an electrician" "e-l-e-k-t, no, no that's not right, l-e-c-t-r, no that's not right either" Then the teacher said "Why don't you sit down and we will get back to you". Next she called on little Johnny. He stood up and said "My dad is a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, bookie." The teacher was a little surprised but proceeded "And what would your dad do if he were here today?" and Johnny replied "If my dad were here today he would give you 5 to 1 odds that dumbass can't spell electrician!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

High Urinals
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'


He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

The American Medical Association has finally weighed in on the
health care reform discussion.

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the decision up to
the assholes in Washington .

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked, What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh I don't know" said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"Okay" she replies. "That could be an interesting topic. Let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, quite surprised by the little girl's question, thinks about it and says, "Hmm, I have no idea".

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was up in Glasgow on business, in a hotel room, sat on the sofa having a quiet read, when all of a sudden I hear roaring noises coming from the wardrobe. I open the door to find a huge lion roaring and growling fiercely.

"What the hell are you doing in there!" I say quite petrified.

The lion snarls: "Piss off, it's Narnia business pal."

A health specialist is giving a talk on well-being in a village hall.
"The best way to start the day is to do ten minutes of light exercise, and five minutes of deep breathing" says the specialist. "Then i feel rosy all over."
A voice from the back shouts, "Tell us more about Rosie!"

Tommy runs into class late. "I'm sorry miss" he says, "i'm late because i had to make my own breakfast this morning."

The teacher accepts his excuse but as a punishment makes him stand at the front of the class and answer some geography questions.

"Now Tommy" says the teacher. "Tell me where the Scottish border is?"

"In bed with mum", replies Tommy. "That's why i had to make my own breakfast."

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two aliens landed on a desolate area of planet earth and began searching for intelligent life. Eventually they came upon a gas station and one of the aliens promptly walked up to a gas pump and said "Take us to your leader!"

After receiving no response the alien started getting a little upset, "I said take us to your leader, and I mean right now!"

The other alien told the first, "Perhaps you should calm down a bit, I don't think you want to make him mad."

Totally ignoring the warning the alien pulled out his laser pistol and threatened, "If you don't start moving in 3 seconds I'll vaporize you!... 3... 2... 1..."

KABOOM!

Having barely survived the gas station explosion the aliens limped back to their spaceship. "I told you not to aggravate that earth creature! It's never a good idea to piss of something that can wrap it's dick around it's body and stick it in his own ear!"

[michaelc]

Re: Joke of the Day

I came across a lion once.

So i wiped it off and went on my way.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh,yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.
He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Clark and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Clark?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"