Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

One of my faves from Mike Reid

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A man from the back of the courtroom shout's out, "You bastard."

The judge adds, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The man from the back of the courtroom shout's out, "You bastard,"

The judge stops and says to man at the back of the courtroom,
"Sir i can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or i'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The man from the the back of the court stands up and says,
"I'm sorry your honour. But for 15 years i've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn't f**king have one."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."
"Except what?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; tell others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little light joke list of things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk after all of yesterday's celebrations... Some of us may still be recovering.

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh, sh*t, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

That story reminded me of " The Vacumn Cleaner Fart " .
A friend sent this over the holidays; I think it kinda fits Shadow1's theme .

The FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never
realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to
alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the
man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to
be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But
Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was
staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first
date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were
looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me
over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of
my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their
non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I
welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed
myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank,
and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an
expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways -
uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying.
I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't
feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of
questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like
I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ...
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big
trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and
down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on
to my door and the dashboard.

"Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say
through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're
writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with
sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The
more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door.

However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently,
sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe
I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart
cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is
someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I
literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit
him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to
accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he
screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out
uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being
kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning
on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were
under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our
windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be
alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of my dreams, then sorta
wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains
had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent,
explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had
already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the
shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was
finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER,
hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where
do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

"Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise* "I'm fine, Rob - just leave the
shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're ..."

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I
thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was
possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart
after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple of days later, actually. Now we're
married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your
rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

That story reminded me of " The Vacumn Cleaner Fart " .
A friend sent this over the holidays; I think it kinda fits Shadow1's theme .

*Snip*

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

2 cheers for boobs!

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

2 cheers for boobs!

I couldn't agree more ;-)

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

That story reminded me of " The Vacumn Cleaner Fart " .
A friend sent this over the holidays; I think it kinda fits Shadow1's theme .

Two thumbs Up!

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

...and two more thumbs (and something else) up!

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

I couldn't agree more ;-)

And without nipples, boobs would be pointless.


All women have boobs, some women ARE boobs.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

And without nipples, boobs would be pointless.


All women have boobs, some women ARE boobs.

Some men have boobs too...

man-boobs.jpg

*shudder*

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

I really wish it was possible to un-see some things.

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

Eyebleach! Eyebleach!

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

maybe this will take your mind off what you have already seen!

GetInline.jpg

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Some men have boobs too...

<CENSORED>

*shudder*

That was totally inappropriate, completely unnecessary, and downright rude. If you want to post naked pictures of yourself, this in not the proper forum.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

That was totally inappropriate, completely unnecessary, and downright rude. If you want to post naked pictures of yourself, this in not the proper forum.

Dude, if I had boobs like those, I wouldn't need to get married to be able to play with them!