Joke of the Day

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

An 86-year-old very wealthy man went
to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a
minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who
is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked
up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very
large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so
he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal
as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody
else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'


The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was scarlet red.
The reason for this color scheme
was the pick-axe in its head.

--/--

Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
Now Mary has a little lamb.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A minister is at his desk attempting to write a little presentation. it is for the womans club at his church and they have ask him to give a talk at their Weds. night meeting. The subject is a very delicate one, as they have chosen to have him talk about sex in the marriage. The ministers wife comes in to inquire as to what he is doing. He informs her he is writing for his talk at the club meeting. "I forgot to tell you I will be out of town that night", she said. "What will you be speaking about?" He really doesn't want to tell her he will be talking about sex to a room full of women , so he tells her he will be speaking about sailing. "Sailing?" she said, "What do you know about sailing?" "Well I have tried it twice, and I read a book about it" he replied.
So on the Saturday following the talk the minister and his wife are walking down the sidewalk when they run into the president of the womens club. The minister is a little concerned that she will bring up his talk on sex when she looks at the ministers wife and says "You must be so proud of him, he gave what must have been the greatest talk we have ever had at one of our meetings." Bewildered, the ministers wife replied "I don't see how. Everything he knows about it he read in a book, and besides he has only done it twice in his life and the first time he threw up, and the second time his hat blew off!"

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"Nope, just spots."

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens ' centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"SHIT" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

I linked one very similar way back.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Cannibal goes to a doctor and says his stomach hurts.
Doctor ask him when he last ate.
"Yesterday" says the cannibal."
'What did you eat?"ask the doctor.
"A missionary" said the cannibal
"How did you cook him?
"I boiled him"
"What did he look like?" ask the doctor
"He had sandals, a white robe and was bald on top."
"That is your problem" said the doctor, "He was a friar"

[doug94550]

Re: Joke of the Day

I linked one very similar way back.

Everything old becomes new again

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska .
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed... "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need togo back to California and get another one?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Kyle told little Johnny that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret making it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny went home to give it a try. He looked his mother in the eye and said, "I know the whole truth." She quickly gave him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father." Undaunted, Little Johnny tried it on his big sister. She gave him every cent she had and begged him not to tell their parents. Little Johnny couldn't wait for his dad to get home.
As he greeted his father, Little Johnny said, "I know the whole truth." His father promptly handed him $40 and said, "Whatever you do, don't tell your mother."
Little Johnny was liking this game, so on his way home from school the next day, he saw the mailman coming up the front walk. Little Johnny said, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately dropped his mail bag, opened his arms and said, "Then come and give your daddy a great big hug!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into this seat. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles, even in the poor lighting of the airliner cabin. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "Here. Iron this."