Joke of the Day

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  • izzynut
    Gov.

    5,000+ Posts
    • Aug 2013
    • 5347

    #3901
    Re: Joke of the Day

    Murphy's other 15 laws
    1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

    3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

    5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

    9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

    10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

    11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

    13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

    14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.








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    • slimslob
      Retired

      Site Contributor
      25,000+ Posts
      • May 2013
      • 36890

      #3902
      Re: Joke of the Day

      Originally posted by izzynut
      Murphy's other 15 laws
      1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

      2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

      3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

      4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

      5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

      6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

      7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

      8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

      9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

      10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

      11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

      12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

      13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

      14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

      15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.








      Corollary to Number 6. Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

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      • slimslob
        Retired

        Site Contributor
        25,000+ Posts
        • May 2013
        • 36890

        #3903
        Re: Joke of the Day

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        • slimslob
          Retired

          Site Contributor
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          • May 2013
          • 36890

          #3904
          Re: Joke of the Day

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          • izzynut
            Gov.

            5,000+ Posts
            • Aug 2013
            • 5347

            #3905
            Re: Joke of the Day

            Making a baby. This is hilarious!

            There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

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            • izzynut
              Gov.

              5,000+ Posts
              • Aug 2013
              • 5347

              #3906
              Re: Joke of the Day

              A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

              He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

              The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

              All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

              After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology,


              and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

              The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

              All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

              The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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              • slimslob
                Retired

                Site Contributor
                25,000+ Posts
                • May 2013
                • 36890

                #3907
                Re: Joke of the Day

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                • izzynut
                  Gov.

                  5,000+ Posts
                  • Aug 2013
                  • 5347

                  #3908

                  Comment

                  • izzynut
                    Gov.

                    5,000+ Posts
                    • Aug 2013
                    • 5347

                    #3909
                    Re: Joke of the Day

                    As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

                    door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
                    within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
                    with a vibrator.

                    Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

                    The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
                    Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
                    I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
                    leave me alone.'

                    he next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
                    coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
                    door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
                    daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

                    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
                    thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
                    husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

                    A couple days later, the wife came home from a
                    shopping trip ,
                    placed the groceries on the kitchen
                    counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
                    of all places, the living room. She entered that
                    area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
                    downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

                    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

                    The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

                    The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

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                    • slimslob
                      Retired

                      Site Contributor
                      25,000+ Posts
                      • May 2013
                      • 36890

                      #3910
                      Re: Joke of the Day

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                      • slimslob
                        Retired

                        Site Contributor
                        25,000+ Posts
                        • May 2013
                        • 36890

                        #3911
                        Re: Joke of the Day

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                        • izzynut
                          Gov.

                          5,000+ Posts
                          • Aug 2013
                          • 5347

                          #3912
                          Re: Joke of the Day

                          death.jpg

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                          • izzynut
                            Gov.

                            5,000+ Posts
                            • Aug 2013
                            • 5347

                            #3913
                            Re: Joke of the Day

                            harry.jpg

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                            • izzynut
                              Gov.

                              5,000+ Posts
                              • Aug 2013
                              • 5347

                              #3914
                              Re: Joke of the Day

                              > Quickie in the Bushes
                              >
                              > There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
                              >
                              >
                              > They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one
                              > day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the
                              > two to life.
                              >
                              > The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
                              > blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
                              > minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
                              >
                              > He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery
                              >
                              > The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
                              > After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
                              > breath and laughing.
                              >
                              > The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
                              > minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
                              >
                              > He asks her 'Shall we?'
                              >
                              >
                              > She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
                              > change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
                              > pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
                              >
                              > AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

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                              • fixthecopier
                                ALIEN OVERLORD

                                2,500+ Posts
                                • Apr 2008
                                • 4714

                                #3915
                                Re: Joke of the Day

                                Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings...

                                All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"
                                The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen Hawking

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