Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.





He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again



This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

[emujo2]

Re: Joke of the Day

A seal walks into a bar, bartender says what can I get you?
Seal says anything but a Canadian Club.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

unnamed.jpg

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]40493[/ATTACH]

Naah... its just Hi-way patrol doing tactical training with the water patrol squad.
The one in the pic is call the PIT manoeuvre. Apparently the bad-guy doesn't see you coming but the fish do.
The departments are cutting down on expenses by combining both squads into one training session.

It's all legit...

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.


It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

There was a idea put forward to sell Viagra and Prozac as a two pack. The thought behind it was that if you din't get a fu(k you din't give a fu(k!!!!!

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm
sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a
bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ...the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging
word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two blokes are sitting on the local park bench one fine sunny day.
One bloke is pretending to fish from a boat.
The other guy is just sitting there reading a book.
The local copper sitting at a distance is watching the first guy
pretending to throw a fishing line out and retrieve it back in.
Feeling a tad phased, the copper finally gives up and wanders over to the guys.
He ask the guy reading the book,"what's with the fisherman, ...is he a okay?"
The guy reading the book looks up and says to the copper "he's perfectly fine".
The copper says "I think you should take your mate there home".
The guy reading the book looks up and says" I can't we lost the oars to the boat."

....?

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The surgeon paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.











Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."



The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"







Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"







(Nice to have a smart blonde joke for a change!)

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A glass of wine

To my friends who
enjoy a glass of wine,
and, those who don't
and are always
seen with a bottle of
water in their hand:




As Ben Franklin
said:
"In wine there is
wisdom,
in beer there is
freedom,
in water there is
bacteria.



In a number of
carefully controlled trials,scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year
we would haveabsorbed
more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.



In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop annually..
However,
we do NOT run that
risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or
other liquor).


This is because alcohol has to
go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering
and fermenting.


Remember:
Water = Poop.
Wine = Health.



Therefore, it's better
to drink wine and talk stupid,




Than to drink water
and be full of Shit.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."