Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... ......you don't!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied,

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

New Senior Pick up Line

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says:
"So, tell me ... do I come here often?"

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Welcomed Change of Pace.

1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds - only 14 to go.


2. Ate salad for dinner -
mostly croutons & tomatoes -
really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce - and cheese.




3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish



4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.



5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.



6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.



7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.



8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.



9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school?
Yeah, Me neither.



10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented -






11. I love being 75 I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.



12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.



13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.



14. November 4, 2018 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time - hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.



15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.

'OK', she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,

'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies,

'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know shit?'

[tsbservice]

"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu." "Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.

Nah, don't believe that, the "ladies" around here aren't cheap......................so I'm told!


But while we're being poetic about camels;


The sexual urge of the camel is greater than anyone thinks
And during the mating season it even fancies the Sphinx
Now the Sphinx's posterior passage
Are blocked by the sands of the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinxes inscrutable smile!

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

{snip}


No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two'"
Hence from that night we both felt spent.
The ladies thorough; our cheap descent.
And as the itch progress to pain,
the thought of cheap began to wane.
And from then on respite did show
the Doc just said "please pay as you go".

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

The sexual urge of the camel is greater than anyone thinks
And during the mating season it even fancies the Sphinx
Now the Sphinx's posterior passage
Are blocked by the sands of the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinxes inscrutable smile!

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two'"
Hence from that night we both felt spent.
The ladies thorough; our cheap descent.
And as the itch progress to pain,
the thought of cheap began to wane.
And from then on respite did show
the Doc just said "please pay as you go".

Awesome!
You Aussie guys better change pope and professor

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says,
"I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks,
"Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says,
"Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford,
"It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

One very hot dry day, a local cowboy visited the reservation.
He went there from time to time to mingle with the Indians.
There was this one Indian that the cowboy has become friends with.
This Indian from pretty much a loner from all the other tribe.
He was all alone, his parents got killed in battle, an he had no squaw that he claimed as his own.

This cowboy felt sorry for the lonely Indian.
He told him that he could help him overcome being so lonely.
But, he would have to go into the nearby town.
Told him to go into the town saloon and walk up to the bar.
There would be a lady standing behind the bar.
Tell her that you want a woman, she will take care of you.
I will tell her to be expecting you.

Next day the Indian went into town and walked up to the bar in the saloon.
The Indian began this conversation with the lady.

Indian: Me want a woman.
Lady: How much money do you have?
Indian: What is money!
Lady: It is something that you must have to spend time with one of my girls.

She explained to the Indian what money was. So the Indian left and told her that he would return. A couple of days pasted and the Indian returned.
He approached the bar.

Indian: Me want a woman.
Lady: Did you get you any money?
Indian: Yea, me got plenty of money.
Lady: Do you have any experience with a woman?
Indian: What you mean by experience?
Lady: You have to be experienced to spend time with my girls.

The Lady explained to the Indian how he could get his experience.

Lady: You go to the mountains and find a big tree. Make sure it is one that has a knot hole in it.
You will be able to get all the experience you wish.
Then when you feel that you have all the experience that you can get.
You can come back here and I will have one of my girls take care of your needs.

The Indian left the town and went up into the mountains.
One week passed by before the Indian returned.
The next week the Indian returned to the saloon.
He was very angry and very aggressive with the lady behind the counter.

Indian: Me want a woman, an me want woman right now!
Lady: Have you gotten any experience since you were here last?
Indian: Me got all kinds of experience, an a bag full of money. Me want woman now.

Lady: All right! Follow me to the top of the stairs.

The Indian followed her to the top of the steps to a door.
He opened the door and there stood the most lovely woman he had ever seen.
He closed the door behind him and walked up to the woman.
She asked, "What would you like for me to do?" The woman began removing all of her clothes also the Indian.
The Indian asked, "Turn around and bend-em over and touch your toes."
She liked that ideal, so she turned around and bent over like the Indian ask.
The Indian stepped up behind the woman and pulled back his leg and kicked her in the ass.
The woman jumped up in surprise. She ask the Indian, "What in the hell did you have to do that for?" The Indian looked at the woman and replied,
"Me checking for bees in that knot hole."

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day


Every year, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win.

He never did.

One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall.

She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties.

He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks.

He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign.

He lost again.

Sad!

The winning number was 707.

Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.

[tech07]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two elderly ladies decided to go to an afternoon movie at the cinema.
Halfway thru the movie, one lady leaned over and whispered into her friends ear,
Oh no ! The man beside me is fondling himself.
Her friend replied, OMG let's move, fast.
The other lady replied, I can"t ! He's using My hand

[Andyboachie]

Re: Joke of the Day

Four thieves entered into the backyard garden of a man armed with AK47. The garden contained both fruits and vegetables. Each of the thieves started to remove whatever their hands can set on. Suddenly, they heard a loud gunshot into the air, and there stood the man, having all of them at gunpoint.
He ordered that either each of them insert one of whatever each has harvested into his ass or get shot to death.
Suddenly, the first who stole grapes forced his into his ass, and the man allowed him to run away. The next miraculously squeezed a tomato through and he too was allowed to run away. But surprisingly, the third burst into an uncontrollable laughter. The man with the gun angered by the attitude of the third thief, quizzed angrily: "So I'm funny right, you think I'm joking?" (cocking his gun).
The third thief answered: "No, Sir it is not you I'm laughing at"
Armed man: "But who are you laughing at?"
Thief: "My friend who is after me"
Armed man: "What about him is funny?"
Thief: "He stole watermelon"