Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,

"We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"

The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.

The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.

The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.

The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies,

"We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ink transfusion

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works; Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but



instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.



You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.



Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.



Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.



So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Xer0615]

Re: Joke of the Day

What is the difference between a Chick Pea and a Garbanzo Bean?

I wouldn't pay a Garbanzo to Bean on my face.

[tsbservice]

One boy replied,

[Copier Addict]

Re: Joke of the Day

A billionaire, a factory worker and an immigrant are in a room with a thousand cookies on a table. The billionaire takes 999 cookies and whispers in the factory workers ear "look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie".

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

+18

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Pig.jpg

[theengel]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]41893[/ATTACH]

Many of these are simply not true. Some are speculative.

[skelband]

Re: Joke of the Day

Apologies if you've heard this before....


Three engineers and three accountants are going to a conference by train.
The accountants go up to the ticket office and buy their tickets, but the engineers only buy one between them.
The accountants see this and they ask the engineers, "How are you going to manage with just one ticket?"
"Watch and see!", replied the engineers.

They all pile onto the train and find seats.
When the ticket inspector starts to come down the train, all the engineers squeeze into a nearby toilet/washroom.
When the inspector comes by, he knocks on the door and shouts, "Tickets please!".
The door opens a crack and a hand shoots out holding the ticket. The inspector takes the ticket, clips it, hands it back then moves on down the train.

The accountants are amazed by this cunning trickery and vow that they will do the same on the return trip.

After the conference, the accountants buy their one ticket, very pleased with their new cost saving measure.
However, the engineers, buy no ticket at all!
The accountants ask, "How are you going to manage with no ticket at all?"
"Watch and see!", replied the engineers.

Again, they all pile onto the train and find seats.
When the inspector starts to make his journey down the train, the accountants squeeze into a nearby toilet/washroom and the engineers do the same at the other end of the carriage.

Then, one of the engineers, slips out, walks up to the other washroom, bangs on the door and shouts, "Tickets please!".

[skelband]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three couples are interested in joining the congregation of the local church and they all meet with the local clergyman.
There is an elderly, retired couple, a middle-aged couple and a pair of newlyweds.

"In order to test your faith and resolve, all of our congregation must pass a simple test. You must abstain from sex for two weeks", he tells them.
"Come back in two weeks and tell me how you did."

Two weeks later, the couples return to confess how they did.
The elderly couple were first. The chap says, "It was easy! We haven'y had any kind of sexual relations for 20 years!"
The clergyman says, "Well done! You are welcome into our congregation."

The next couple up is the middle-aged couple. "The first week was OK", says the man, "but for the second week, I had to sleep on the sofa."
The clergyman says, "Well done to you also. You are welcome into our community."

Last up were the newlyweds.
"For a couple of days, we were fine, but then one day, my wife was reaching down to the shelf for a can of peas and I was overcome with lust and we made love right then and there!", says the man with a baleful expression.

The clergyman shakes his head, and says, "I'm sorry. You are not welcome in our congregation."
The man replies, "That's a real shame. We're not welcome in Safeway either."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Many of these are simply not true. Some are speculative.

Did you notice how interested he was in the pig?

[allan]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you notice how interested he was in the pig?

Yea if he was from New-Zealand that would have been really odd must be from Poland.
Its a joke don't want the entire leftist feminist movement on me for this...

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,

"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said,
"I had to walk home."