Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Newfoundland is a Province in Canada on the eastern seaboard.....
On the Atlantic Ocean side..
The people in that province have their own English dialect,
And often are the 'butt" of jokes...
But they also love humour,
And love to make jokes about themselves.


A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM
(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)

Of course I loves ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say yer gorgeous
I means every single word

So yer arse is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So yer belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round dere

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tells ya lies
I think its very sexy
Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs

I swear on me grannies grave
From the moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the hockey's on
And get me a nudder beer.




Doesn’t it just bring a tear to the eye?

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Married couple on holiday in Jamaica . Touring market-place looking at the goods & such,



they passed a small sandal shop & heard the shopkeeper say, 'You foreigners! Come in.



So they walked in. The Jamaican said,



'I 'ave special sandals you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'


The wife was interested in buying but her husband felt he really didn't need them,

The husband asked, 'How can sandals make you wild at sex?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As he slipped them on, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Police officer: Why did you park here?
Johnny: The sign says, "Fine for parking"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

-The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.


-The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.


-The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

gg.jpg

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."

........

I had to let Jack go.

Bosses have to make the tough decisions!!

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Scotch with two drops of water...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birth-day and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birth-day, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on
me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of
water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with
only two drops of water ?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny,when you are my age, you've learned how to hold
your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment youon your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancyand your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your carin the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting upto use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
It read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her strugglethe phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of falseteeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,'she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A new phenomenon calledE-MOONING

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned! Send
this to 5 people within the next hour andyou will be blessed with people laughingtheir asses offat your e-mail.