Re: Joke of the Day
Chinese man rings boss:
Boss says:
2 hours later chinese man rings back:
Chinese man rings boss:
Boss says:
2 hours later chinese man rings back:
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. -
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence.
For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds.
Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.
Christ she said
To which the old man repliedA tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.
Son:
Dad:
Son: "Really?"
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
On Fred's 97th birthday, a reporter from the news station came to interview him:
Reporter: "So Fred, you're 97 years old today! What's your Secret?"
Fred: "I sucked a c*ck for a watch once."
Reporter: (Flabbergasted) "No Fred, I meant What's the secret of your longevity."
Fred: "OH! Fruits and Vegetables."
OmertÃComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
This is probably a repeat, but courtesy of "The American Legion Magazine": A thief tried to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He was caught two block away when he ran out of gas. "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh, but I tried because I had nothing Toulouse.""You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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Re: Joke of the Day
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? "
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it. "
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.
TRAINING HOURS:
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.
MEALS:
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.
LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.
PROTOCOL:
Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.
DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.
CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship.
Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.
CAREER FIELDS:
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Golf rules for beginners:
1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.
Now, that's very good. Flush the urunal, go outside, and tee off.A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Proposal
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted ...A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Here's your sign:
Helen Wate is the new manager of the Complaint Dept.
If you have a complaint,
go to Helen Wate.
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Re: Joke of the Day
AT THE BAR:
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, in the tub, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... it doesn't matter to me."
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in government too. Are you federal or provincial?"
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