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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
As many of us know, 'Retirement' is different for everyone.
One day, while driving to do some shopping, I passed by
a newer retirement village. On the front lawn were six old
ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village
with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside
to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her,
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front
lawn?" "Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired
prostitutes - they're having a yard sale..."Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
On their wedding night, the young brideapproached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemakingencounter. In his highly aroused state,her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals thatshe needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she wassurprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained thathis employer was going through a process of corporatedownsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near whathe'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book whichshowed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issuedby the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that theywere one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investmentsworth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know whenTo keep their mouths shutComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.
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Re: Joke of the Day
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said,
'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be,?our families on both sides?had jet-black hair?for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor,?let me ask you this.
How?often do you have sex???"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very? hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice every fewmonths.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....?
?
"It's?Rust."?
If you can't laugh at this one, you are having a bad day.Comment
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"Not a Fucking Thing."
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Re: Joke of the Day
Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER:Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!Comment
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