Joke of the day
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The Way Women Think
Husband's Text Message to wife:
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.
Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound
fracture in the left leg.
Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.
Love you......
Wife's Response:
Who the FUCK is Paula?
Last edited by izzynut; 09-16-2024, 12:00 PM.Comment
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did not return that day.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house! '
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(Norwegian Bachelor Farmer)
Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty.
Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.
Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said…
If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' day pays yer beneficiary $20,000.
If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only thirty dollars a mont , den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $2,000,000!
Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?Comment
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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill,
and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went
to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to
open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his
door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went
to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of
our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR
THE SAME REASON!Comment
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Men's Help Line
Men's Help Line: "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice about a serious problem.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket.Comment
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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, ' I'm Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father John, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'Comment
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