This had me laughing my balls off, it was taped behind a Martini C2 at a hospital.
"The Photocopier:
It would help considerably if members of staff using the photocopier would report all problems as they arise.
The photocopier has recently been suffering from a serious bout of colic owing to being fed the wrong form of paper (our suppliers have, in the cause of economy and a misguided attempt to prescribe a low fibre diet for all photocopiers, been purchasing what can only be described as cheap and nasty paper. This paper is the equivalent of feeding a human being with a duodenal ulcer bacon, egg and soggy chips followed by a basket of unripe pears). Photocopiers must have their daily consumption of fibre in the form of top quality Swedish wood pulp, without which they suffer from severe spasms of the upper sprocket pickup. Fortunately, we have now managed to secure a special supply of paper for our machine who will hopefully respond to the new diet.
Also it would help if, when the copier is experience severe bouts of electrostatic-photodyspepsia, users would not insist on trying to make it work. This can lead to severe complications resulting in collapse, prolapse and sudden loss of facilities which causes mayhem and general bad temper all round.
If there are any difficulties in the future would users please inform the technicians (failing that their manager) immediately in order that treatment be administered as soon as possible. Problems have been caused in the past by kindly, well meaning people insisting that the machine "WILL WORK" even when it has not been feeling well and no-one has reported the fact to it's keepers.
Your help in this matter will be much appreciated."
I want to meet the person who wrote this, they are a fucking genius.
"The Photocopier:
It would help considerably if members of staff using the photocopier would report all problems as they arise.
The photocopier has recently been suffering from a serious bout of colic owing to being fed the wrong form of paper (our suppliers have, in the cause of economy and a misguided attempt to prescribe a low fibre diet for all photocopiers, been purchasing what can only be described as cheap and nasty paper. This paper is the equivalent of feeding a human being with a duodenal ulcer bacon, egg and soggy chips followed by a basket of unripe pears). Photocopiers must have their daily consumption of fibre in the form of top quality Swedish wood pulp, without which they suffer from severe spasms of the upper sprocket pickup. Fortunately, we have now managed to secure a special supply of paper for our machine who will hopefully respond to the new diet.
Also it would help if, when the copier is experience severe bouts of electrostatic-photodyspepsia, users would not insist on trying to make it work. This can lead to severe complications resulting in collapse, prolapse and sudden loss of facilities which causes mayhem and general bad temper all round.
If there are any difficulties in the future would users please inform the technicians (failing that their manager) immediately in order that treatment be administered as soon as possible. Problems have been caused in the past by kindly, well meaning people insisting that the machine "WILL WORK" even when it has not been feeling well and no-one has reported the fact to it's keepers.
Your help in this matter will be much appreciated."
I want to meet the person who wrote this, they are a fucking genius.
Comment