Jokes

[banginbishop]

Just watched the news for the deaf about the floods.the sign language woman gave up trying to explain cockermouth

[Jules Winfield]

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out...

[Venom]

What's the difference between a golf ball and a truck?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.

[banginbishop]

HOOKED
BEEF
OIL
WHALE


I'll bet you can't say that in reverse order without sounding like an irishman swearing

[banginbishop]

[Shadow1]

Hey... I live in M'ssippi - I didn't know the Italians even knew we existed

[nmfaxman]

There's an old saying that stated that if you gathered an infinite number of monkeys banging on a typewriter, you'd eventually end up with a copy of Hamlet.

Today, with the internet, we know that is not true.

I guess it only takes one monkey, huh? Just joking.

[TheOwl]

A 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

'You root her again.'

[pacman]

A 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

'You root her again.'

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
They both get clubbed by Norweigians.

[Jules Winfield]

* crickets *

[User Name]

What do you call a midget witch who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

[Shadow1]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab . . . I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

[Shadow1]

Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

[Shadow1]

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[Morlock49]

Two zebras ponderingTwo zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."