Jokes

[Morlock49]

Sometimes us techs get very serious, but this is also the place for jokes (I hope) try to keep them clean if you can

so I will start

do you all realise that if the Indians had given the first pilgrims a Mule as food instead of a turkey, this Thanksgiving day we would all have a piece of ASS.

[mrwho]

There's an old saying that stated that if you gathered an infinite number of monkeys banging on a typewriter, you'd eventually end up with a copy of Hamlet.

Today, with the internet, we know that is not true.

[Shadow1]

Ever hear the one about the blond genius?

Me neither.

[TonerMunkeh]

How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?

There's tipp-ex on the screen.

[Morlock49]

A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY
This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
John Bradford, a 2 0 yr old Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it.

[banginbishop]

oi. dont say anything but guess whos still together after all the crap between them? Your bumcheeks - keeps em coming

[banginbishop]

Zeus the greek god, was flying over greece when he spotted a gorgeous naked woman washing her hair by the lake. He went and made love to her and said "in 9 days you will have a child and you will call him Hercules". She smiled and said in 9 days you will have a rash and you will call it herpes!

[iInspire]

Kyle's Dad brought home a robot one day.
The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.
Kyle returned late from school. Dad asked, Son why are you late from school'?
Dad, we had extra classes today, Robot slapped Kyle on his face.
Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"
Dad, I went to see the movie Ten Commandments, Robot slapped Kyle on his face.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Red Hot Queen"...
"Shame on you son, when I was your age...
I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved", Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.

Kyle's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband, "After all, he's your son!"
The robot slaps the mom

[Morlock49]

am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

[10871087]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden, so I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

[fixthecopier]

Two [ select ethnic group of your choice ] were walking down the road when one of them see's a dog laying in the road licking his private parts. "Boy I wish I could do that" says one of the men. "You better not, that son of a bitch might bite you" says the other.

[nmfaxman]

How many salespeople does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None, they get a tech to do it for them.

[mjarbar]

A police officer stops a motorist and approaches the car:

"Do you know you were doing 90miles per hour down this road" says the officer
"But I haven't been out an hour!" says the driver,
"Oh very funny - what's your name?"
"Why - Don't you have one?"
"Oh so your not telling me! Have you got a police record?"
"I've got 'Walking on the moon' if you want it!"

Not one of mine but paraphrased from a British stand up called Mike Read, sadly no longer with us but there is a lot of stuff of his on YouTube if you want a look.

[mabawser]

A convict breaks into a house, he ties up the husband and wife who live there.
He jumps on the wife and kisses her on the ear, then runs to the bathroom.
The husband whispers to his wife "satisfy him or he will kill us. I saw the way he kissed you!,just be strong. I love you"
The wife replies "he didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear thats hes gay, horny and looking for vaseline.
I told him its in the bathroom. Lets see whos fucking strong now!!

[giantmonster]

re:

Fact Of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F!!!!!