Jokes

[mrwho]

A man walks into a bar with a piece of pavement under his arm.

He tells the barman "Give me a beer and one for the road."

[prntrfxr]

Jokes

A horse fell in a mud puddle.

(crickets)

Hey it wasn't meant to be funny. It's sad, the poor horse.

[mjarbar]

The local vicar, who is a bit of an old school bible thumper but kind with it, looks around his church one day and can see it's in some need of a coat of paint so calls in the local handyman,
"My son - the church has served us faithfully these many years and it is due for some well earned TLC, please give it the best job you can but I don't want to spend a lot on it"
"I'll do my best vicar" says the handyman but instantly can tell this will not be a good job as paint is expensive and he is given hardly any money to do the job with.

The next day the handyman turns up with his paint but due to the cost can only afford 2 tins so immediatly starts to thin it down to make it spread across all the walls needed. By the end of the day the job is done but the vicar is no where around so the handyman leaves him a note to say he is done and off to the pub for some dinner and a drink but will be back to collect his tools after.

A little later the vicar comes back and can instantly see what the handyman has done so writes on the bottom of the message -

REPAINT, REPAINT - THIN NO MORE!!!

[mrwho]

A cheeseburger walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

[KenB]

[Morlock49]

two rabbits walk into a bar, they ask the barman what food he has. he replies that they do toasties of various flavours. so the rabbits order 2 cheese toasties and a pint.

The first rabbit says to the other rabbit that he is still hungry, so he orders a ham and cheese toastie while the second rabbit orders another cheese toastie.
A little while later the first rabbit says he is still hungry and orders a beef and cheese toastie.

a short while later the first rabbit dies.

the second rabbit in shock tell the barman that the first rabbit died.

the barman says he knows why

"why?" asked the second rabbit

the barman replied" he died from mixing my toasties"


da dah

[tekcopyer]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[BLADE]

a nuetron walks into a bar and asks 'how much for a beer'? barman replies 'for you no charge'

[mrwho]

This guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables.
The bartender tells him "You can come in as long as you don't start anything!"

[Dark Helmet]

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

Zippers spook sheep

[fixthecopier]

Q...How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A...Unique up on him.


Q...Why do ducks have flat wide feet?
A...To stamp out forest fires.
Q...Why do elephants have large round flat feet?
A...To stamp out flaming ducks.

Q...What is long and hard and full of seamen?
A...A submarine.



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bill says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Bill deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts, found in aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bill began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bill hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

[tekcopyer]

What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying.

[Rudi]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[tekcopyer]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

[Herrmann]

Hehe Enjoy

http://hihi.elmer.org/pics/115890860932311.html