Jokes

[jamesyboy]

hard times ! just been to pets r us they have called in the retrivers

[AyJayAreDii]

http://www.mightywombat.com/toons/numbers.gif

[prntrfxr]

This is real. A sign in a Belgrade elevator:

TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.

[mikadonovan]

No writee vewy English good!

[tcs04]

This is real. A sign in a Belgrade elevator:

TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.

We NEED one for customers starting....

"To be copying on the paper"... etc! suggestions????

[mrwho]

Toilet paper for real men!

[Herrmann]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

[treed889]

Just got this

An elderly couple, in their 80's, went to a sex therapist's office and asks the doctor to watch them have sex. The doc is so amazed at such an elderly couple wanting sexual advise that he agrees. After watching them, the doc says, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex." He charges them $50 and they go on their way. The couple returns the next week and again ask the doc to watch them have sex. After several weeks of this, the doc finally asked the couple what they wanted him to find out. The old man replies, "we're not trying to find out anything. I'm married, so we can't go to my house, she's married so we can't go to her house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me only $7 to pay to get some ass, & since ur a doctor it's confidential! Send to all freaks!!! LOL

[mrwho]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"




Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f**kin' widow."

[albasoul06]

What men do after sex?
2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
===================================
Why is your penis better than a credit card?
(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
===================================
LITTLE GIRL : Mommy, I just found out that our neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!
===================================
A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.

He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
===================================
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

===================================
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.
She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.
===================================
What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if ! it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!
===================================
Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".
===================================
What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?
Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain,show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.

[albasoul06]

Dorks - Dude Flips Out on Copier



Dorks - Photocopy Prank

[Herrmann]

Enjoy

[Morlock49]

A doctor was walking down the street when he saw one of his older patients, Merv, walking towards him in the company with a young, very good looking woman.

On drawing level with Merv, the doctor askes how he is.

Merv replies “I took your advice doc, I got me one hot mama and I’m being cheerful.”

The Doc then said, “Merv, I told you, you had a heart murmer and to be careful.”

[prntrfxr]

whiteout queen.jpg

I wonder if this is what happens to fax machine slit glass and copier glass?

[aztech]

Bubba and Leroy are driving down the road drinking bottles of beer. They see a road block up ahead and pull over to the side of the road. Leroy says "Bubba, what we gonna do? the Sheriff is gonna know we been drinkin" Bubba says "finish your beer, then peel off the label and stick it on your forehead" They finish the beers, toss the bottles in the back of the truck, and drive up to the roadblock. The Sheriff comes up to the truck and asks "have you boys been drinkin' today?"
Bubba puffs up real proud and tells the Sheriff, "No Sir, we're on the Patch"