Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Look. MAC now supports Windows!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like: "Losing my Head over You", "Rocket Launcher Man", "You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."
Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."
Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"
Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you got any?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no nookie since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the celebration. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Guy walks into a bar with a loaded rifle and yells "Alright, who ever has been fucking my wife, step forward". A man in the back of the bar yells "You ain't got enough bullets!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

[slimslob]