Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife asked me "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said "Of course I would. I would miss you, but I would still love you."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Lexophile is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."


A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Guy who fell on a upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

Those who get too big for their pants get exposed in the end.


ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN...IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Square Root.jpg

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. It's okay though, I'm taking steps to avoid them.

[igi]

Re: Joke of the Day

yes I tried

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A DEA officer stopped by the farm yesterday...

"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...
"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I'm not saying letting my wife control the thermostat is a bad thing, but two hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into my bedroom.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928. The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting. The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"
Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this isn't a 1928 Mouton?"
The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!" The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are exactly the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village."
Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Iowa and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

Well I like the joke But Being from Bugaha, I defer to the Iowa reference as to how we "Handle this issue"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you get when a topless blonde applies sun tan oil to a topless brunette?
Your camera.

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Well I like the joke But Being from Bugaha, I defer to the Iowa reference as to how we "Handle this issue"

I don't know, maybe this George Carlin routine might help:

A lot of swears there though, so don't watch this at work.