Joke of the Day

[atwageman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yep.

[mohan]

Re: Joke of the Day

Jesus and his Disciples were at the last supper. Jesus stood-up, and addressed them:
''Dear brothers, I am sorry to say that this is the last time I will be breaking bread with you''.
Everyone was shocked at this revelation, but Jesus raised his hand to quiet them and continued:
''For on this very night, one amongst you is going to betray me to the Romans thrice before the sun rises!''
They were all quiet for a minute, then Matthew spoke up:
''Is it me Lord? Am I going to betray you?''
Jesus took his hand patted it reassuringly and said:
''No Matthew, not you''.
Mark said;
''Is it me Lord?''
Jesus ruffled his hair and said:
''No Mark, not you either''.
Then Judas spoke up and asked:
''Is it me Lord?''
Jesus glared at him, and in a mocking voice said:
''NINNIT-ME-NORD??...

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.
So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.
This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Armani Shoes
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a high end shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 4 months he saves the price of the shoes, $500, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement - Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know? 'Luigi answers; 'I see the reflection in my new $500 Armani shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks; ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $500 Armani shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, you stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ..... I thought I had a cracka in my $500 Armani shoes...!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dan's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Dan had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him. "You could hear a muffled gasp from the men
in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Dan must have experienced.

"Dan was unable to hold me or the children,"she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dan's scrotum,
and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dan.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dan is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.
"All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,
"Hi, I'm Dan." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum not scrotum."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

VINCENT VAN GOGH's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt --------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle ------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ----------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle -------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------------------------- Flaming Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------------ Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV ------- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . . there ya Gogh

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Jogging.jpg

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Punchline ends with one of my favorite quotes.



First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".
"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

From an actual court transcript...




Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy applies for a job at the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil's house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.
"Hey, Billy. What's that you have in your arm?"
"It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens with it."
Convinced that Billy was wrong, Grandpa Cecil said "Billy, you can't catch chicken with chicken wire! Not how that works."
Billy shrugs his shoulders and heads off. Later that evening, Billy passes back by and in the chicken wire was a bunch of chickens.
"Son of a bitch," Grandpa Cecil muttered to himself.
Billy passes by Cecil's the next day when Cecil noticed something in Billy's left hand.
"Hey, billy. Whatcha got there?"
"It's duct tape. I'm gonna go catch some ducks with it."
Thinking yesterday was a fluke, Grandpa Cecil said "What the hell, Billy. You don't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Same time that evening, Billy passes back by with about 7 or 8 ducks on a line of duct tape.
Grandpa Cecil is speechless.
On the third and final day, Billy was walking past Grandpa Cecil's house. He an extra bounce in his step and was waving around something that Cecil couldn't make out.
"Say there, Billy. What's that you have today?"
"It's pussywillow. I'm gonna go get som..."
Grandpa Cecil interrupted Billy.
"Oh, hot damn! Hold on, let me get my hat!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I'm completely fine.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little Johny is sitting in class one day when the teach ask the students to give her a sentence with the word contageous.

Mary pops her hand up "ooh ooh miss miss", "yes Mary" the teacher says.
I heard from the doctor that colds and flues are very contageous", "very good" said the teach, " ....anybody else?"

Billy brown pops his hand up, " ooh miss,miss" Yes Billy" said the teacher.
My dog got a bad rash and the vet said it was contageous, "Well done Billy", said the the teacher,... "anybody else?"

Little Johny throws his hand up ooh miss, ooh miss, Yes Johnny" said the teacher.

"My Dad saw Billy Brown walking down the road the other day with a huge glass jar full of marbles, and he dropped them fair in the middle of the road, My dad said "it would take the contageous to pick-em all up."