Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cock sucking, motherfucking boss now" he says. The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", replies the manager but I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here."
The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.
"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid cunt?"
"Ah", says the manager, "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper."
"Too fucking right", the bloke replies.
The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone.
"Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb", gasps the manager, "What is it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end", replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed.
The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Absolutely magnificent", cries the manager, "What is that called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer", replies the bloke.
The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager, "What is that one called?"
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece", replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset at the bloke's language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts.
The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"
The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling jissum all over your shoes?"
The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

There were two nuns; one of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

After days of driving, a trucker walks into an empty small town diner and sees three signs above the counter. The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"
"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked the trucker.
"Why yes," answered the woman with a knowing smile. "Yes I am."
"Well then go wash your fucking hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

[Tata]

Re: Joke of the Day

POLITICS

Poli- Pretains to Math, science, arts, literature, plastics.
Tics - Living parasite that feeds off other life forms for a freeride through life.

Full Meaning :something created artifical ,capable of logic and substance that feeds of others.

Why wouldn't something like that be a joke when let continue for so long.....

Actually Poli means many, tics = blood sucker.
Politics = Many Bloodsuckers

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

What is worse than a piano being out of tune?


Answer next week. PM me if you think you know the answer.

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

What is worse than a piano being out of tune?


Answer next week. PM me if you think you know the answer.

What's better than roses on your piano?

[blackcat4866]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why ... Tulips on your organ, of course. =^..^=

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

you can play a piano, but you can't tuna fish.............................................. .................REO Speed wagon

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why ... Tulips on your organ, of course. =^..^=

While polishing the ivory clean....

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

you can play a piano, but you can't tuna fish.............................................. .................REO Speed wagon

"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish...Emujo

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

What is worse than a piano being out of tune?


Answer next week. PM me if you think you know the answer.

An organ going flat in the middle of a piece.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

(And that, kids; is the only time Bill Gates ever presided over a timely, unproblematic release!)

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

Not being much of an Apple fan myself

How to print from an Ipad

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Copying an Apple product with an HP? Might as well start drawing in the sandbox with a bent stick.