Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female & gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."
I said. "My wife thinks my d!ck tastes funny."

[kingarthur]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife complains that i never talk to her whilst making love.....i cant always reach the phone.....

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

Women drivers !!

Driving to work this morning in the fast lane of the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Jaguar doing just 50 mph, with her face right up to the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much that:-

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the toast out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and soaked my trousers, ruined the phone and disconnected a very important call.

Damn Those Stupid Women Drivers!

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

People say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, just so it doesn't get weird.

[nivssluck]

Re: Joke of the Day

Q. What did the pe_is say to the condom?

A. Cover me im going in!

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

Q. What did the pe_is say to the condom?

A. Cover me im going in!

You spend nine months inside one and the rest of your life trying to get back in.

[Jules Winfield]

Re: Joke of the Day

Q. What did the pe_is say to the condom?

A. Cover me im going in!

That reminds me of this one:

Why did the rubber fly across the room?
It was pissed off...

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: One Liners ::

Q. Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician ?

A. He worked it out with a pen and paper..........0oo..

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

::More one liners::

Q. What's red and green and sits in your backyard ?

A. A frog with a hard-on......

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you that the cat was dead?" the teacher asked.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!! the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psssst!' and it didn't move."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that is where shitty ideas come from!!!

[mojorolla]

Re: Joke of the Day

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that is where shitty ideas come from!!!

...and this was the exact moment Little Johnny decided to become a salesman.