Joke of the Day

[Rob Sandberg]

Re: Joke of the Day

I truly can understand these kind's of Mondays!
The Pharmacist's Monday

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the
open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God ismy witness, all I did was tell her."

And I thought I had a bad day.

Rob S

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Man and his wife are out shopping for groceries one day.

The Man remove 12VB cans of beer off the shelf an puts them in their shopping trolley.
The Wife turns to him and says "What do you think are doin?"
The man replies "They're on special $10 for 12 cans".
The Wife says "Put them back. We cant afford it!".

They carry on shopping...

Few aisles later, the wife picks up $20 jar of face cream, and puts it in the shopping trolley.
The Man says "What do you think you doin?"
The Wife says "It's face cream, it makes me look beautiful."
The Man replies "SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB, AND IT'S HALF THE F@#!$& PRICE!"

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

No translation needed.

Paul@justmanuals.com

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

I have something better than "selective hearing".....they're called hearing aids....its strange how often that they "malfunction"....

Not a joke but the actual truth, some time ago on one of her trips around the world my mother-in-law stayed with my parents in the UK. I rang my father up and asked him what it was like sharing a house with my mother and mother-in-law, he said "I've no idea, I turned my hearing aid off a week ago!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them....but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...They add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names.... But it's OKbecause other people forgotthey even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to loseis now 15 and you have a better chanceof losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never goingto be really good at anything.... Especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on youto remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do,you no longer care to do,but you really do care that youdon't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chairwith the TV blaring than he or she does in bed.It's called their "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said,"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,"I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything workedwith just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod...email...modem....were unheard of.....and a mouse was
somethingthat made you climb on a table

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ....
"what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can affordexpensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or galsbut is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your spouse has retired .....
You'd give anything if he/she would find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .....
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
Old songs,
Old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Love you, "OLD FRIEND!"
Send this on to other "Old Friends!" andlet them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Best Medicine

During a physical exam, a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily
ruddy complexion. The patient replied, "High blood pressure, doc. It comes
from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's side?" asked the doctor.

"Neither." replied the patient. "My wife!"

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

I haven't read all the jokes so I hope this is not a repeat.

There are 2 canibals in the woods eating a clown when one turns to the other and ask. Does this taste funny to you?

There were two cannibals walking down the road......along came a car and one of the cannibals threw up a hand .

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

::: I'll never do it again :::

King Billy Cokebottle was having a heavy drinking night out with his mates.

He staggers over to a taxi and asks the driver if he has room for a pizza and case of beer .

The taxi driver says "yeah, why ?"

So he barfs up a pizza and a case of beer all through the taxi...

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was driving down the road the other day, and I saw a hitch-hiker thumping down the road on one leg.
As I got closer I could see the poor guy had no arms. I suspect he was a veteran of some war.
As I got closer still I could see the bloke had 3 eyes. Whoa "I said to myself."

Well I screeched the car to a screeming halt, wound down the window and said "Eye,eye,eye you look armless, hopin" ....

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Well I screeched the car to a screeming halt, wound down the window and said "Eye,eye,eye you look armless, hopin" ....

Must be an Aussie thing - It didn't translate to english very well...

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

From an old song:

Well, a Scottsman clad in Kilt left a bar one evening fair,
and one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He staggered 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
then he stumbled off into the brush to sleep beside the street.

Chorus:
Ring ding diddle iddle aye de oh
ring dye dlddley aye oh.

He stumbled off into the brush to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by,
and one said to the other with a twinkle in her eye
"See yon sleeping Scottsman so strong and handsome built,
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their Kilt?"

(Chorus)
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt?

They crept up on that sleeping Scottsman quiet as can be,
and lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see,
and there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
T'was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

(Chorus)
T'was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment then on said, "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
And so they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
around the bonnie star the Scott's Kilt did lift and show.

(Chorus)
around the bonnie star the Scott's Kilt did lift and show.

The Scottsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees.
He lifted up a kilt and gawks at what he sees,
and in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
"Oh, Lad I don't know where 'ya been, but I see 'ya won first prize!"

(Chorus)
"Oh, Lad I don't know where 'ya been, but I see 'ya won first prize!"

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Tossers - Seven Drunken Nights.wmv - YouTube

The Tosser's Seven Drunken Nights

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little Johnny says to his father "Dad, did you know cats stutter?"
Dad replies "No, I didn't, what do you mean?"
"well, today I saw a dog running at a cat and the cat said fff fff fff but before he could say f*%k the dog ate him."


And another

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher asked if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.
Johnny said "me and dad were driving down the road the other day and there was a truckie who had lost a load of spuds. Dad said its gunna take that poor contagious to pick all of those up."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Billy : What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
Morten : No idea
Billy : Good dare bro.
Billy : What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?
Morten : Still no idea.
Billy : You heard this one before dare bro ?
Morten : Nah!
Billy : What do you call a deer with no eyes , no legs and no willy ?
Morten : Oh god damn dare bro, still no F@#$^&! idea.
Billy : .....!.....

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day