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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. -
“I think you should treat good friends like a fine wine. That’s why I keep mine locked up in the basement.” - Tim HawkinsComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had.
I said a service dog.
Very rudely she yells what type of service?
I said he is a BLD.
What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face.
With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean......
The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.Comment
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
The New Priest
The new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. So, before his second week, he asked his monseigneur
how he could relax. The monseigneur told him to relax by putting a martinis in the water pitcher and after a few sips he would relax.
The next week the young priest followed the instructions and really talked up a storm. After his sermon, he asked his superior how
he had done. The monseigneur replied "fine, but there are a few things you had better keep in mind before you address the congregation again"
1) Next time, sip the martinis, don't gulp them by the glass fuls.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
5) We don't refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and the boys.
6) Next Sunday there is a taffy pull at St. Peter's, not a Peter pull at Taffy's.
7) We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T".
8) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost aren't referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
9) And last, but not least, it is the Virgin Mary, not "Mary with the Cherry".Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.. Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
BSM2 went to the hospital for a cranial scan, he called his doctor the next day...
The doctor told him something was strange and wanted him to come in later that day for some further tests.
BSM2 was scheduled to be there @ 1500hrs (him being in the military the doc thought he should recognize the jargon.. he was a military doc) He showed up @ 1600 and was told he was late for his appointment... "NO It's 1500 hrs." No said the nurse 1200 + 3 is 1500hrs.
BSM2 stood there 'deer in the headlight look' then stated not according to the 'common core math that I learned... you're wrong'
Nurse walked away to talk to the doctor.. BSM2 heard them mention 1500 - 12+3
doctor responded 'Honey he learned common core math .. those folks aren't bright at all'
BSM2 never took the other tests.. Doctor deemed there was nothing in his head to examineComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Can we keep this thread for jokes, not personal/political hatred, you are becoming a bully boy troll.Comment
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