Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midgetComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A woman had a dental exam with a new dentist. She saw his name on his DDS diploma and thought of tall, dark-haired boy in her high school class whom she had a crush on some 40-odd year ago. She wondered if it might be the same person
When the dentist came into the exam room, she decided that the balding, gray-haired man with deeply lined face was too old to be her classmate.
After the exam she asked if he had ever attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did." The dentist replied.
"What year did you graduate?" she asked.
"1978. Why do you ask?" he answered.
"You were in my class!" she exclaimed.
He looked at her closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit so-of-a-bitch asked her, "What did you teach?"Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
My Poetic Side:
Roses are Red
Kamala's not Black
Joe's in the Basement and
Hunter's on Crack!OmertàComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive, and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's
expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more
it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice, "RAIN is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"
The entire congregation said, "Amen!"A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird crap."
"Yeah, but It was my first day with the hook."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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“I think you should treat good friends like a fine wine. That’s why I keep mine locked up in the basement.” - Tim HawkinsComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
gotta love Blonde jokesComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
When you think you know almost all jokes for blondes...there it comes another good one
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.
The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 20 minutes."
The Jewish man says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others say, "SIX HOURS? How did you make her scream for six hours?"
He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!,....and I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her....
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... Apparently he's dead now ...but he died a
legend!!!......
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Kudos to TS
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.
"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander.
"Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?"
"Even worse!"
"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?"
"Even worse!"
"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!"
"I buried him alive!"A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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