Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the fook did you bring him home for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Aussie love story A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honoured her request and never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favourite restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The man was stunned and said,

"I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I travelled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

"WHAT JOB DESCRIPTIONS REALLY MEAN....

1. "Competitive Salary": We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

2. "Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you.

3. "Casual work atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

4. "Some overtime required": Some every night and some every weekend.

5. "Duties will vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

6. "Must have an eye for detail": We have no quality assurance.

7. "Career-minded": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

8. "Apply in person": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

9. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

10. "Problem-solving skills a must": You're walking into perpetual chaos.

11. "Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

12. "Good communication skills": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Papatoetoe Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

"WHAT JOB DESCRIPTIONS REALLY MEAN....

1. "Competitive Salary": We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

2. "Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you.

3. "Casual work atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

4. "Some overtime required": Some every night and some every weekend.

5. "Duties will vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

6. "Must have an eye for detail": We have no quality assurance.

7. "Career-minded": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

8. "Apply in person": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

9. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

10. "Problem-solving skills a must": You're walking into perpetual chaos.

11. "Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

12. "Good communication skills": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

yup bout sums it up.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '

so the Navy went bankrupt?

[mojorolla]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yo momma is so fat, she broke her arm and gravy came out !

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said,

"My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Mama, Have you ever heard of
a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served, and when little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we pray," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always pray before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Kiwi woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush. The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The Kiwi agrees and starts right away. The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the Kiwi had completed 4 miles, double the required average.

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the Kiwi only accomplished 2 miles.

The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day, the Kiwi only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets worse."

The boss called the Kiwi in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile.

Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure?

What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"

The Kiwi replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit
out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.