Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A university writing class were given an exercise -
to write as short a short story as possible using three themes - religion, sexuality and mystery
The only A* entry was as follows:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"



A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in my usual calm detached manner, "I didn't know there were any witnesses... Now I'll have to kill you too."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used for the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shed and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the waste bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

COMMON SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

BIGGER HAMMER: Same as a normal hammer but larger in size and weight. Used to make things that don't fit, fit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A traveling salesman, in the middle of his two-week stint on the road, walks into a whore house. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house.
"Give me the WORST lay you have here." he says.
The Madam, looking confused, says, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls."
The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house."
The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies, "Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life."
Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don't want the best lay of my life. I'm not horny - I'm homesick!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the

new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his

front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through

the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull

down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it

with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around

the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head

so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I

doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn

chase chicks, drink ****, and listen to bull ****.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Thank-you letter to Tide manufacturer
Dear Tide, I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am almost fifty I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I also ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

[emoji28][emoji1787]

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls, I'll come."
She said, "Bugger off, you're going shopping with me whether you like it or not."



I just got the sack from my new office job.
I'm going to take them up for unfair dismissal.
The sign read - Toilet Out Of Order, Use Floor Below.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

"I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat.

"Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

"Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

There I was sitting at a long red traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-English slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Aqbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler lorry came speeding through the crossing and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, bloody hell...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a lorry driver.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:

"I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?", the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?..."

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!", the woman exclaimed...
"You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull****."