Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Annie, just 7 years old, had just had her first family planning lesson at school

She goes home and immediately her mother asks, "How did it go, sweetie?"

"I died of shame," Annie answers.

"Why?"

Annie replied, "Karen, from down the road, said that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class said you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother laughs, "Well, that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can never tell them that we're so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

I took my Dad to a shopping Mall the other day to buy a new pair of shoes (he's 66).

We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him....

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange & blue. Dad kept staring at her.

The girl kept looking & everytime would catch Dad staring at her.

Finally when she had had enough, she sarcastically asked Dad:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his response, I knew it would be good!

In classic style he replied without batting an eyelid....

"Got stoned once and f****d a parrot, just wondering if you were my daughter?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa ..
The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as cubs.
I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Bear.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $hit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Bear, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the $hit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a$$hole and a briefcase.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.

Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"

[slimslob]

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[slimslob]

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[slimslob]

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[slimslob]

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[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

These are the times and tribulations of being a Senior Citizen:

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.




Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

M
I
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.


I
I
I

I
I


We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

For all those in need of devine guidance !!

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

For all those in need of devine guidance !!

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

Good old school joke
If it was to keep with today's mainstream priest would be delighted

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" brain cells active! And for you younger ones, to get them growing!!!



1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the british Prime Minister's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?




Yep scroll down for the answers ......................









Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest.

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the Prime Minister's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Boris Johnson

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.


TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess


Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the Answer. This is so cool.....

REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....
Answer is below!


Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well.

Then, you'll feel better too.....!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
They are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have.."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be Off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright.. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was Going to have
a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this
conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"