Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,

"We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park.....", then the electricity goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says:

"You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

[emujo2]

Re: Joke of the Day

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,

"Dad!,Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside,

"Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,

"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

"Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained.
"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

Good joke, but better in song...YouTube

[slimslob]

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight.

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes running up behind them, about 20 miles per hour, and dives into the hole.

A farmer comes along and asks the hunters if they've seen a goat. One responds

"We're so sorry, we saw your goat run up behind us and he dove into this hole."

The farmer responds "That's impossible, I had him chained to an anvil."

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Billionaire is dying and wants to try and see if he can take some money with him to the great beyond. He gathers his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer and gives them each a billion dollars to "slip into his casket" after the service. After his passing, they each made their visit to the casket before it was closed and he was buried. Several months later, they were all gathered and began discussing the plan. The priest was first to confess. You know, I knew that money would do him no good in the afterlife so I donated half to the church and only put half in his casket...The doctor said, I am glad you said that because I too thought it was to be going to waste and I donated half to research the cancer that took his life so I am guilty also of only sending half with him... The attorney looked at them shaking his head in disgust and said I am disappointed in both of you! I want you to know that when they closed that casket, I had put my personal check for the entire amount with him!

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Billionaire is dying and wants to try and see if he can take some money with him to the great beyond. He gathers his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer and gives them each a billion dollars to "slip into his casket" after the service. After his passing, they each made their visit to the casket before it was closed and he was buried. Several months later, they were all gathered and began discussing the plan. The priest was first to confess. You know, I knew that money would do him no good in the afterlife so I donated half to the church and only put half in his casket...The doctor said, I am glad you said that because I too thought it was to be going to waste and I donated half to research the cancer that took his life so I am guilty also of only sending half with him... The attorney looked at them shaking his head in disgust and said I am disappointed in both of you! I want you to know that when they closed that casket, I had put my personal check for the entire amount with him!

And another personal check to cover the money that you two put in and I took back out.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick."

"Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mick?" she asked.

"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady,
you are really ugly. " Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she
saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, " Hey lady, you are really ugly ." Well , she was
incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager said , " That's not good ." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past
the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[davel]

Re: Joke of the Day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Finally a joke to get away from the political debate/argument/mud-slinging.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Finally a joke to get away from the political debate/argument/mud-slinging.

But it is a couple of years old. First appeared while Paul was still with us.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

I know this is not actually a joke but it is funny. Mom Learns the Hard Way to Let Spray Tan Dry Before Breastfeeding | Working Mother