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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought,
"I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
My oldest daughter (25 years old) calls me the other day.
D: Dad I have a bird in my van.
Me: What kind of bird? How did it get into your vehicle?
D: I don't know and the windows have been up all day, but I can here it flying.
D: Wait. I hear it again.
Me: Pull off the road and look around.
D: Never mind Dad. It was the rear wiper rubbing on the dry widow.
Life with a blonde is never dull. Hope some else gets a good laugh like I did.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Man 1: I know a guy with a little dick who sounds like an Owl.
Man 2: Who?
Man 1: Exactly!OmertÃComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Old Pilot:
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force, but when they retired the
Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy Lt Col staggered his way over to the piano while
several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he
finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
it empty, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then excused himself and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly
boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I
☼"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Why do Riot Police get up early?
To beat the crowd!OmertÃComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his
speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and
finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over,
so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a
week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her backLive for yourself and you will live in vain. Live for others, and you will live againComment
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E.V.I.L. )
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus
creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retire Aged People Early ).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
for the SHAFT program ( Special Help After Forced Termination ).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program ( System Covering Retired-Early Workers ).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Congress deems appropriate..
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS ( Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse ) or HERPES ( Half Earnings for Retired personnel
Early Severance ).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Congress has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT , please bring
this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I ran across this excerpt in an operators manual over the weekend and wanted to share this information . It reminded me of the quote " I can explain it to you , but , I cannot understand it for you " .
The warnings , precautions , and instructions discussed in this manual cannot cover all possible conditions that may occur. The operator must understand that common sense and caution are factors that cannot be built into this product , but must be supplied by the operator ."The Serenity Prayer" . . .
God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .Comment
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Three priests and three little boys are out in a boat when all of a sudden it starts to sink.
The first priest says, "The boat's starting to sink, we've got to save the boys!"
The second priest says, "F**k the boys!"
And the third priest says,"Do ya think we have time?A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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