Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team.

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on winning. They have only one person do the yelling."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sitting in the plane was a bishop and a young priest. The bishop was doing The Times crossword.

"Four letter word, exclusively female, ends in UNT" he mumbled.

"Aunt" suggested the young priest.

"Oh..." said the bishop "do you have an eraser ?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

You just have to frame the question correctly:

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. While this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy bastard!"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A professor stood with his class with a selection of items in front of him. When the lecture began, he took a very large glass, filled it up with large stones, approx. 5 cm wide. He asked the students: "Is the glass filled up now?" Everyone agreed that it was.

The Professor took some very small stones, and gently added them into the glass while he shook it very carefully, causing the smaller stones to go in between the larger stones. Then he asked once more: "Is the glass filled up now?" Everyone agreed that it was filled up.

The professor then placed a bag with sand on the table and the students laughed, of course the professor could add sand between the stones, and he filled it to the top.

"Now!" said the professor "Please imagine that this glass is your life!"
The large stones are the meaningful things in your life, family, girlfriend's, etc. kids, your health etc. things that are important so no matter what else they will always be a part of your life. The small stones are stuff not that important , like your job, house, car and the sand is everything else.

"Please notice! If the glass is full of sand there will be no room for small and large stones. It's the same in life, if you use your time and energy on small stuff there will be no room for important and meaningful stuff.
Always focus on which things there is important for you, and your life will be great and happy.

"Fill up your life with large stones that really matters and are important. Check and arrange your large rocks and stones and keep in mind that the rest is only smaller stones and sand."

The Professor now looks over the students and takes a glass of whisky, and carefully pours all the whisky between the sand, smaller and larger stones / rocks. He lifts his head up and says :

"And remember ! No matter how many rocks, stones or sand in your glass of life there will always be room for whisky !"

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading
his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?
" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer,
but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?

[tsbservice]

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do retired people do to make their days interesting?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

[tsbservice]

[KenB]

Careful what you wish for

D9C51B94-2AB3-481B-8FA8-138FC45A9E85.jpg

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?


He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!



He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[tsbservice]

Re: Careful what you wish for

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the youngster, they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
This they did. "Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing."
The task was completed.

"Now we eat everybody." This they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just go in and eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Much tastier with the sh,t out them!"

[tsbservice]

[tsbservice]

Re: Careful what you wish for

Couple sat watching telly one night and hubby as usual is flicking through the channels.
Golf...porn...golf...porn...golf...porn...golf.
Wife says "for gods sake, will you just leave it on the porn, you already know how to play bloody golf"