Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

It goes in dry, comes out wet
The longer it's in the stronger it gets
It comes out dripping and starts to sag
It's not what you think,
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It's just a tea bag.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day


> $2.99 SPECIAL
>
> I love it.................................
>
> If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with
> seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not
> a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be.......
>
> The 2.99 Special
>
> We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two
> eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
>
> 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
>
> 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,'
> the waitress warned her.
>
> 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked
> incredulously.
>
> 'YES!' stated the waitress.
>
> 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..
>
> 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
>
> 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and
> baked a cake.

> DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
> WE'VE been around the block more than once!
>

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Fable of the Porcupine


It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves;
but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice:
either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close
relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

[slimslob]

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Little Johnny
A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of Islamic Extremists, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in London, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout the world, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose barn door in a hurricane.”


The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.


"And how about you, Sarah?”


"I want to be Johnny’s tart!"

Lol I learn new meaning of English words everyday. Funny.
We use instead 'bun' or 'wad'

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

Lol I learn new meaning of English words everyday. Funny.
We use instead 'bun' or 'wad'

Oh you don't wanna know ALL the endearing terms like that here in the USA.. all depends on how PC you want to be[emoji1787]

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

SLIDING DOWN THE BANISTER OF LIFE





1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies, tried it once: The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes, now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.


9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.


Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ... and those that mind ...don't matter!


And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Wanted to install a calendar app on my phone, but installed a colander app instead.

Now my battery keeps draining...

[slimslob]

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."