Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

The man agrees and starts work immediately. He reports back after his first week and he's sold 250 units. The manager is impressed but thinks "maybe it's just beginner's luck". But the following week the new guy has sold an additional 400 units and had quickly become the company's top producer.

The manager decided to follow him to see if he could learn anything from the guy's sales technique. He followed him to a busy farmer's market where he watched the guy set up a booth. The first customer stopped by and the guy said "Hi there. I'm testing out some new kinds of chip dip and I'm wondering if you'd like a sample?" The customer agreed, took a chip, dipped it, and took a bite. "OMG THIS TASTES LIKE S.H.I.T!"

"It is," said the guy. "Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and a retired English Classics teacher.

The husband a retired Navy Chief was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "On the toilet. Please advise."

[FrohnB]

Re: Joke of the Day

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike,
she gave me the finger as she rode by.
Then she plowed her bike straight into a cow.
I tried.


printers-down.jpg

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here asSister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speakAfter another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister MaryCold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine."It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Subject: Old dog Meanwhile a squirrel whom had been

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day



Subject: Golf Nut


Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and
breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as
you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day



Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to
get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,

YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE

SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.


~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!


~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!


~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!


~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.


~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.


~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".


~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..


~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???


~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.


~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!


~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.


~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.


~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!


Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing.

Doc: Everything looks ok but I still want to run tests so I need a urine, a feces and a sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One sees a tree that is draped with Canadian Bacon. "A bacon tree!" he says. He runs toward the tree. As he is almost to the tree he is gunned down.

Turns out it was not a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

[FrohnB]

[BillyCarpenter]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy walks up to 2 girls at a bar and asks one of the girls: "Do you believe the hand is quicker than the eye?"

Girl replies: YES

Guy say: "Well, reach down and jerk me off real quick before your friend sees you."