Joke of the Day

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  • tsbservice
    Field tech

    Site Contributor
    5,000+ Posts
    • May 2007
    • 7926

    #4576
    Re: Joke of the Day

    Bad first date

    She said it was midwinter.....Snowing and quite cold....and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
    It was a day trip (no overnight), they were strangers after all, and had never met before.
    The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
    They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra coffee.
    They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
    Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
    Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
    They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
    In the deep snow, she did not have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the back bumper to steady herself.
    Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
    All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
    Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
    As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's bumper.
    Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
    It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
    Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
    He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
    She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
    Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was they also were faced with a real problem.
    Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
    Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
    Therefore, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the bumper.

    True story
    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

    Comment

    • tsbservice
      Field tech

      Site Contributor
      5,000+ Posts
      • May 2007
      • 7926

      #4577
      Re: Joke of the Day

      Dan was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him go.
      After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Dan left to go back home to his wife.
      When Dan's friends started arriving to set up camp the following day who should be there but Dan sitting up in front of his truck,
      tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

      "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dan?"
      "I didn't have to" was Dan's reply.
      "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
      Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, surprise..!!
      When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said,
      "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want....."
      So Here I am....!
      A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
      Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

      Comment

      • tsbservice
        Field tech

        Site Contributor
        5,000+ Posts
        • May 2007
        • 7926

        #4578
        A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
        Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

        Comment

        • slimslob
          Retired

          Site Contributor
          25,000+ Posts
          • May 2013
          • 36894

          #4579
          Re: Joke of the Day

          The Sheet

          An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
          last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
          Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
          decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
          He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
          beyond his ability to remain rational.
          In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
          gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
          window.
          A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
          on him.
          He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently
          trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the
          soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
          As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down
          at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing
          his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked
          up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
          The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat
          the sh*t out of a ghost."

          Comment

          • tsbservice
            Field tech

            Site Contributor
            5,000+ Posts
            • May 2007
            • 7926

            #4580
            Re: Joke of the Day

            A big game hunter walked in to a bar and starts bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

            The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

            Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

            They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course, he was right again.

            Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

            Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

            His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
            A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
            Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

            Comment

            • tsbservice
              Field tech

              Site Contributor
              5,000+ Posts
              • May 2007
              • 7926

              #4581
              Re: Joke of the Day

              Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Great Britain ... Gordon Brown

              The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

              This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.


              special commission presented the following findings:

              1. The stamp is in perfect order.

              2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

              3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
              A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
              Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

              Comment

              • tsbservice
                Field tech

                Site Contributor
                5,000+ Posts
                • May 2007
                • 7926

                #4582
                Re: Joke of the Day

                While I was having a quiet coffee in my local cafe this morning, I felt the need to fart, and knew that I couldn't hold it in.
                The music was quite loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music, so that no one would notice.


                After a few songs, I felt so much better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

                Then I remembered that I was listening to my IPod!!
                A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
                Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

                Comment

                • tsbservice
                  Field tech

                  Site Contributor
                  5,000+ Posts
                  • May 2007
                  • 7926

                  #4583
                  Re: Joke of the Day

                  Guy walks into a bar with a loaded gun, screams;

                  'Which of you here had sex with my wife god damn it'...

                  Voice from the back of the room shouts;

                  'You aint got enough bullets mate'..
                  A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
                  Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

                  Comment

                  • tsbservice
                    Field tech

                    Site Contributor
                    5,000+ Posts
                    • May 2007
                    • 7926

                    #4584
                    Re: Joke of the Day

                    US police beaten Chines man after asking for his name 10 times.

                    "I LOST MY FAITH IN MANKIND!",
                    told Fuck You from hospital.
                    A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
                    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

                    Comment

                    • NeoMatrix
                      Senior Tech.

                      2,500+ Posts
                      • Nov 2010
                      • 3514

                      #4585
                      Re: Joke of the Day

                      Originally posted by tsbservice
                      US police beaten Chines man after asking for his name 10 times.

                      "I LOST MY FAITH IN MANKIND!",
                      told Fuck You from hospital.
                      For those that missed it.....

                      "I lost my faith in man kind"',
                      said Noe Phuken Wei' from his hospital bed...
                      Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
                      •••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ¡ | x | •[§]••• ••••••

                      Comment

                      • Blizzoo
                        Senior Tech

                        Site Contributor
                        500+ Posts
                        • Aug 2013
                        • 597

                        #4586
                        Re: Joke of the Day

                        I love you all people!
                        Defects are simple, our mind is complicated

                        Comment

                        • anothertech
                          Service Manager

                          Site Contributor
                          1,000+ Posts
                          • Nov 2007
                          • 1757

                          #4587
                          Re: Joke of the Day

                          Originally posted by NeoMatrix
                          For those that missed it.....

                          "I lost my faith in man kind"',
                          said Noe Phuken Wei' from his hospital bed...

                          Som ting wong with this joke.

                          Comment

                          • emujo2
                            Service Manager

                            1,000+ Posts
                            • Mar 2017
                            • 1580

                            #4588
                            Re: Joke of the Day

                            That reminded me of this...
                            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmclgO6w0C0

                            Comment

                            • slimslob
                              Retired

                              Site Contributor
                              25,000+ Posts
                              • May 2013
                              • 36894

                              #4589
                              Re: Joke of the Day

                              Originally posted by anothertech
                              Som ting wong with this joke.
                              They are being represented by the Law Offices of Dewey Cheatem and Howe.

                              Comment

                              • tsbservice
                                Field tech

                                Site Contributor
                                5,000+ Posts
                                • May 2007
                                • 7926

                                #4590
                                Re: Joke of the Day

                                Originally posted by NeoMatrix
                                For those that missed it.....

                                "I lost my faith in man kind"',
                                said Noe Phuken Wei' from his hospital bed...
                                Lost in the translation 😂
                                Some have better.
                                Give them all brothers, it's J-o-k-e. o-f. t-h-e. d-a-y.
                                Awesome topic
                                A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
                                Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

                                Comment

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