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Re: Joke of the Day
"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading p0rn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he replied.
"They don't fack around at Air Traffic Control", I said.A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I was watching a guy fishing this morning and I said to him, "There's no way you'd catch me doing that."
"Why not?" He asked.
"Well for starters you'd need a much bigger hook."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
THREE CONTRACTORS ARE BIDDING TO FIX A BROKEN FENCE AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
ONE IS FROM CHICAGO, ANOTHER IS FROM KENTUCKY AND THE THIRD IS FROM NEW ORLEANS. ALL THREE GO WITH A WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL TO EXAMINE THE FENCE.
THE NEW ORLEANS CONTRACTOR TAKES OUT A TAPE MEASURE AND DOES SOME MEASURING, THEN WORKS SOME FIGURES WITH A PENCIL. "WELL, HE SAYS, I FIGURE THE JOB WILL RUN ABOUT $9,000. THAT'S $4,000 FOR MATERIALS, $4,000 FOR MY CREW AND $1,000 PROFIT FOR ME."
THE KENTUCKY CONTRACTOR ALSO DOES SOME MEASURING AND FIGURING, THEN SAYS, "I CAN DO THIS JOB FOR $7,000. THAT'S $3,000 FOR MATERIALS, $3,000 FOR MY CREW AND $1,000 PROFIT FOR ME."
THE CHICAGO CONTRACTOR DOESN'T MEASURE OR FIGURE, BUT LEANS OVER TO THE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL AND WHISPERS, "$27,000."
THE OFFICIAL, INCREDULOUS, SAYS, "YOU DIDN'T EVEN MEASURE LIKE THE OTHER GUYS. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A HIGH FIGURE?”
THE CHICAGO CONTRACTOR WHISPERS BACK, "$10,000 FOR ME, $10,000 FOR YOU, AND WE HIRE THE GUY FROM KENTUCKY TO FIX THE FENCE."
"DONE"! REPLIES THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW GOVERNMENT
STIMULUS PLANS WORK. You don't really believe that most all the1.9 Trillion is going to what the bill says it is do you?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
On his 75th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine manliving on a nearby reservation whowas rumored to have asimple cure forerectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation andsaw the medicine man.The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned 'this is a powerful medicine'.
You takeonly a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you willbecome more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partnermustsay '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not workagain until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine,and then invited his wife to join him inthe bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and beganthrowing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we shouldnever end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
An Irishman is in a pub as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, and he keeps falling down. He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get him to his house, he falls down another four times while getting him to the door
His wife comes to the door and one of the guys says "We brought your husband homes."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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