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Re: Joke of the Day
Life's Demerit System
All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this email...
...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system. (and to the ladies you know with a good sense of humor!)Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Ed and his wife Norma go to the State Fair every year,
And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
" Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know,
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladiesand Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from LondonHeathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relaxand... OH, MY GOD !'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Newfie passenger yelled,
'lord tunderen jezis, you should seethe back of mine! 'Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDERNumber 8
Life is sexually transmitted.Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe yearsNumber 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Because I care . . .
MEDICAL TEST:
STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS
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NOW STARE IN THIS PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS ..
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Your CAT SCAN and LAB TESTS are now Complete.
mime-attachment44.jpgComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Lonely at the Airport ...
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'? The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'? The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the fuck do you want?'
'Aha!' he says, "Air Canada".
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Re: Joke of the Day
The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
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Re: Joke of the Day
Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a
cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there'..... and indicated
the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking
at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a
note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'..
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to
be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and
a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes
in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the wine back.'Comment
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