Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Fuck off. You're on my side!!!"

[tsbservice]

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said

"I Can't."


"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded...."

Dudley Do-Right to the rescue.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

One Sunday morning,
A priest decided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'


Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'


The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'


The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'


The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.


Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.


Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Never Assume
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was
washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response
on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and
sure enough, there was definite movement.


They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'


The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy.... The husband finally agreed
and went into his wife's room.


After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse,
no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?'
they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'


NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks,
'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks,
'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies,
'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.
'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy,
'then who uses THESE?'
he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw
one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open..
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day



A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

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