Jokes

[fixthecopier]

I think it is an ep4000 or 5000

[anka monki]

I think it is an ep4000 or 5000

......walks into a bar ????

anyone got the next line

[anka monki]

...and asks for a gin and toner

(mmm... speaking of which)

[BLADE]

and a copyglass of blackberry niptest

[10871087]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[10871087]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

[10871087]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things, During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

[10871087]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'

[Mr Spock]

Sign above the urinal

Why are you looking here,
The jokes in your hand!!

[mjarbar]

Two goldfish in a tank

One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
______________________________________________

A secretary is going on her lunch break when she notices her clueless boss standing in front of the shredder. The secretary walks up and asks if he needs help.
'Yes, please!' says the boss 'This is very important'
'Glad to help,' says the secretary as she turns on the shredder and inserts the paper.
'Gee, thanks,' says the boss. 'I only need the one copy.'
_______________________________________________

Politicians and babies nappies have one thing in common.

They should be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

[Morlock49]

This is a true headline from the Dothan Eagle newspaper Fri Jan 22nd 2010
this is after we had some heavy rain over night

"Restaraunt Flooded.... Cow drowns"

[Morlock49]

An old married couple go to visit their son for a holiday
After unpacking, the father goes to the bathroom where he see's some blue pills in the medicine cabinet.
He asks his son what they were and his son replies that they are Viagra tablets.
His dad asks the son if he could try one.
The son says they are expensive and cost $10 each. So if the dad wants one he would have to pay for it.

The next morning the son goes into the bathroom and sees $110 dollars next to the Viagra.
He asks his dad about the money.
the father replies "Son, $10 is from me, the other $100 is from your mother"

[Jules Winfield]

A gun-toting guy wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank and points his gun at the lady behind the counter. "This isn't that kind of bank" says the frightened lady. The guy yells "Go get a sample!". She does. He then says, "Now open it up and drink it!". In fear for her life, she quickly complies. The guy then removes his mask to reveal himself as the lady's husband and says, "See, now was that so bad?"

[mrwho]

In the confessionary:

"Father, yesterday I made love to my wife nine times."

"But son, if it was with your wife, you commited no sin!"

"But father, it was nine times! I had to come and tell someone!"

[Morlock49]

Who's the boss

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

The Brain said "I should be in charge,because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
The Blood said "No! I should be in charge, because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
Finally the Rectum said "I should be in charge, because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge