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Re: Joke of the Day
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also drank all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says,
"I can't believe they screwed my wife after only 5 beers!"A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'
The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I seem to always remember the bad jokes and quickly forget the good ones.
Here's one I heard not too long ago that I thought was funny:
Wife: Honey, does my ass look fat in these pants?
Husband: I'm not gonna answer that because if I say yes, you'll get mad.
Wife: No I will not. You can tell me anything and I won't get mad.
Husband: Really? I can tell you anything and you won't get mad?
Wife: I promise I won't get mad.
Husband: Okay...I fucked your sister last night.Adversity temporarily visits a strong man but stays with the weak for a lifetime.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
English Teacher:A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor."Ten" she replies."Ten?"says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan""Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl. "If they playing in the street I just shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED and they all do it ...""What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed Centrelink worker.
"Easy," says the Collingwood girl ... "I just use their surnames."
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts.Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
-Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
-Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
-Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
-Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because they had never been there before.
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
After 35 years of marriage, a husband & wife went for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife began listing every problem they had ever had: constant disagreement, over-spending, neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, failure to keep promises etc.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk &, after asking the wife to stand. He embraced her for a long while & then looked her in the eye and told her he loved her, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Ted:
"That used to be quite common you know, the favourite son would become a doctor and the idiot son would be sent off to the priesthood"
Dougal:
"Your brother's a doctor isn't he?"
Ted:
"Yes!"A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost, he who sows courtesy, reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.Comment
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