Joke of the Day

[Setright]

Re: Joke of the Day

AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS

I am torn between two comments:

a) Funny because it's true!

or

b) So true, it's not even funny.

[bob marley]

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A.A.A.D.D.- RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS !

Thank goodness there's FINALLY a name for this disorder. "Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder" This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first... But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking I'm going to look for my checks, But first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, So I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The car isn't washed, The bills aren't paid, There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.... Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you YET, YOUR day is coming! P.S. : I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

I am embarrassed to admit my guilt to the above post.😩

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

A.A.A.D.D.- RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS !

Thank goodness there's FINALLY a name for this disorder. "Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder" This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first... But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking I'm going to look for my checks, But first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, So I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The car isn't washed, The bills aren't paid, There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.... Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you YET, YOUR day is coming! P.S. : I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.

Damn, you did a lot of changes without any of them being directed by your bladder.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

I became confused whenI heard the word 'service'in the context used by theseagencies::-


'Service'
'Service'
'Service'
'Service'
'Service'
'Service'
. Bureaucratic 'Service'


Their performance did not equate to what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said hehad hired a bull to 'service' his cows.


BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are really doing to us!

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Aman was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because" ... She Replied ....
"I Really Miss Mine"
…nowthat’s a California Love Story!

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.


The mansays, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,'What's yours?'
I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.


'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'


'Well,'says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'


'That's brilliant!'says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..


The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[FrohnB]

Re: Joke of the Day

Difference Between Urban, Suburban, Rural.

-If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you....
-It's Rural
-If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops on you....
-It's Suburban
-If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you....
-It's Urban.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry, this is a repeat from 2010 ( but is still funny);

- TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:. . think U will get a chuckle...... ATD: At The Doctor's BFF: Best Friend Farted BTW: Bring The Wheelchair BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered By Medicare CGU: Can't get up CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers FWIW: Forgot Where I Was GHA: Got Heartburn Again IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? LWO: Lawrence Welk's On OMMR: On My Massage Recliner WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry, this is a repeat from 2010 ( but is still funny);

- TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:. . think U will get a chuckle...... ATD: At The Doctor's BFF: Best Friend Farted BTW: Bring The Wheelchair BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered By Medicare CGU: Can't get up CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers FWIW: Forgot Where I Was GHA: Got Heartburn Again IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? LWO: Lawrence Welk's On OMMR: On My Massage Recliner WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

You forgot FWIWG: Forgot Where I Was Going

[PJB]

Re: Joke of the Day

Today, my boss wished me a great day...
So, I Went home.

[tsbservice]

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Adam Schiff walks into a bar carrying a duck under his arm, and the bartender says, 'hey, you can't bring your cockroach in here.' And Schiff says, 'this is not a cockroach, it's a duck, you moron', and the bartender says, 'I was talking to the duck.'