Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Romanian, an Arab,
And a Yorkshire Lass are
In the same bar.
When the Romanian
Finishes his beer,
He throws his glass
In the air, pulls Out
His pistol, and Shoots
The glass To pieces.
He says, 'In Romania,
Our glasses are so
Cheap we don't need
to drink with the
Same one twice.'






The Arab, obviously
Impressed by this,
Drinks non-alcohol beer

Throws it into the
Air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
The glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have
So much sand to make
Glasses that we don't
Need to drink with
The same one twice either.'






The Yorkshire Lass,
Cool as a cucumber,
Picks up her beer,
Downs it in one gulp,
Throws the glass into
The air, whips out her
45, and shoots the

Romanian and the Arab.




Catching her glass,
Setting it on the bar,
and calling
For a refill,
She says, 'In Yorkshire,
We have so many
Illegal immigrants that
We don't have to
Drink with the same ones twice.'

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."

[tsbservice]

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Forest football shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Nottingham coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[roryx]

[slimslob]

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[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day