Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Estate Agent Speak: Decoded

SPACIOUS: average.
CHARMING: small.
COMFORTABLE: very small.
COSY: very, very, small.
LOW MAINTENANCE: no garden, only one window.
WALK TO THE SHOPS: your car will be stolen within hours of moving in.
TOWNHOUSE: flat in tower block.
CONTEMPORARY: at least fifteen years old.
NATURAL, SECLUDED SETTING: ever seen Deliverence?
PARK-LIKE SETTING: a tree is growing only two streets away.
UNAFFECTED CHARM: needs painting.
ON THE WATER: flood in the cellar.
HURRY! WON'T LAST: about to collapse.

Dear Santa,
This year I have been really well behaved, well most of the time, OK just a few times....ah sod it, I'll buy my own stuff as usual!

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]21509[/ATTACH]

Anyone hungry ?

Looks shopped, I can tell from the pixels.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Always funny...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Always funny...

Oh man... I would die a happy man if Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel revived The Man Show. R.I.P. Fox.

Onto the joke!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ‘
‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’ and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’
The old lady stepped back and said, ‘Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, applications such as Pub Night 5.1, Football 1.0 and Racing 3.1.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM. . You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under troubleshooting. There is an uninstaller app called Divorce-Child Support but be aware; while this program has had some success it costs an arm and a leg.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the settings. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
A word of warning; Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Never store your credit card details in Wife 1.0 as many users have found unexplained costs occurring, though Wife 1.0 leaves no record of these, apparently for security purposes. Wife 1.0 however, does come with several handy support programs that are not available in Girlfriend 7.0, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

man is laying in hospital with badly burnt legs ,he said to the doctor can you give me anything for the pain.
the doctor said i will give you a high dose of viagra. he said viagra ? will that stop the pain.no said the doctor but it will keep the blankets off your legs.


three irish man went in to apply for a building job.how much to build my shed the council boss asks the first bloke .he said i will build it for $50,000 dollars.

he called in the next bloke ,how much to build my shed $75,000 said the second man.he called in the third bloke ,how much to build my shed $100.000 said the man .how can you come up with a price like that he asked .easy said paddy we give the first bloke $50,000 dollars and share the other $50,000 between us

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Man sits at a bar and orders 5 shots, the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."
"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."
"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."
A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks.
"Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week."
"I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house."
Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy responds, "Yeah...my wife."

I can't really see the problem with the last one...

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

The 'stars', Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A pair of pilgrims were making their way across the states, when they decided to hire an Indian guide to show them some great secrets that a white man such as themselves may have passed by. They happened across Tonto, who happily agreed to be their guide; they began their journey together on horseback, when suddenly Tonto jumped off his horse and put his hear to the ground, signalling for the men to stop.

The men, obviously concerned, asked Tonto what was happening. Tonto replied "Buffalo come", the men were curious and amazed at the same time, "Holy shit Tonto, how did you know that?".

Tonto wiped his ear off and said "Sticky".

[ZOOTECH]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes to a bar and meets an escort; after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"
"$50," She says.
"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.
"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.
"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.
"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.
The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.
He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"
"$500." She says.
"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.
"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.
"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.
"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.
So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.
On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"
She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

two millionaires try to out do each other .one buys a house the other buys a penthouse overlooking the river .the other one buys a mercedes car, the other one buys a rolls royce so the first one learns how to fly a plane and buys a lear jet.he says to the other millionaire want to come up for a trip.ok
so of they go and he is doing acrobatics barrol rolls and loop the loops ,all of a sudden he holds his chest and collapses.the poor old passenger dosnt know what to do so he grabs the speaker and says mayday mayday .a voice comes back and said this is the control tower whats up .he said the pilot has collapsed and i dont know what to do .dont panic said the man in the control tower we can talk you down. first you have to tell me what position your flying in .
i am flying upside down said the man .how do you know said the controller.because there is sh*t running out of my collar.

[Akitu]

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported

that a woman, one Anne Maynard has sued St.

Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband

was treated there recently, he had lost all

interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard

was actually admitted in Ophthalmology -- all

we did was correct his eyesight..."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish." Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker," says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin. "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker," says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight - the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright".