Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Hypothetical funny:

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!"
Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all." Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!" Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up. "So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!" Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

===========================================
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Monastery of Silence


The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here

as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest

said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may

speak two words."



Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the

Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."



"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the

food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister

Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."



"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since
you got here."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two Southern belles are talking on the porch of a large white pillared mansion. The first woman says, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me"

The second woman says, "Well isn't that nice"

The first woman continues, "And when my second child was born, my husband bought me that Cadillac you see parked in the driveway.

"Well isn't that nice" the second woman replies.

"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet, holding out her arm in admiration.

"Well isn't that nice" says the second woman once again.

"Tell me, my dear, did your husband give you any gifts when your children were born?"

"Oh, yes. When my eldest was delivered, my husband sent me to a charm school."

"A charm school? What on earth did he do that for?"

"Well, I was having a little trouble with my vocabulary. My language was a little on the coarse side. For example, I used to say things like "Who gives a flying fuck" whereas now I'll just say "Well isn't that nice"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

First Condom

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

So I picked up this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
-----------------------------------------------------
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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An old lady was chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God", says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I already have the holes for that".

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Got a two'fer today, to go with the three'fer yesterday.

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
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How many guys in the friend zone does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why a man should always let a woman talk first.


Lucky Escape | Directed by Shane McCabe - YouTube

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The look on her face was just priceless.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[AlanHubb]

Re: Joke of the Day

Womens Rights.....

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Womens Rights.....

Would you like to tell me why you find that funny

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

something tells me that some one is in for a whole lot of woop ass from Deb..............................................