Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing."

[jonhiker]

Re: Joke of the Day

Subject: Fw: Dr. Geezer's Clinic



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Doctor "Young," who is positive that this old geezer doesn't know beans about medicine, thinks this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.












Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)




Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

[nottoosharp]

Re: Joke of the Day

Someone just paid $3.6 billion for Lexmark........sorry, no punch line but the fact that someone thought that Lexmark was worth paying for should make you laugh.

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[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

https://www.facebook.com/upliftpost/videos/1105366052857138/

[bob marley]

Re: Joke of the Day

13696996_10154123016770067_7031902920192315365_n.jpg

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy and the other one is....a little lighter. thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a Senior Citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's such a relief! My Doctor told me to get a Pharmacist to test my Urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care though, because they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you call it when you say you are really sorry using a series of dots and dashes?...remorse code

[nottoosharp]

Re: Joke of the Day

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two but don't ask me how they got in there.


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[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you call it when you say you are really sorry using a series of dots and dashes?...remorse code

Him: Remorseful code, is taking home a bunch of flower after being out all night....

Her: Is he trying to tell me something.....

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Moral of story — just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer.”

Out smart the old Bull.....

A young Bull and an old Bull where standing in a paddock munching grass.
Young Bull turns to the old Bull : Hey! "how 'bout we race down the paddock and do a couple of those cows?"
Old Bull , slowly looks up and says, "Nah.... How 'bout we walk down an do the lot...!"

[fixthecopier]

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

No use crying over spilled radishes