Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife is weird, she always starts her conversations with "Are you even listening to me?!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman is cooking eggs in her kitchen when her husband comes running in...
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to the fri-
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

That poor guy ...... Will he recover ? ...... Where will he go when he gets out of the hospital ?

[oldschool]

Re: Joke of the Day

Joe considered himself to be quite the ladies man. He would often juggle two or three women at a time. One day he'd lost track of his schedule and mistakenly set up dates with three different women on the same night. He arranged it so he could see them at different times and that way they wouldn't catch on. He didn't want to cancel. These were no ordinary women as they had quite the voracious appetite when it came to sex. So much so that Joe was worried that this time he'd bitten off more than he could chew. Joe went to the pharmacist and asked if there was anything he could take to help with his vitality. The pharmacist said he could not legally sell him anything. Joe begged and pleaded with the pharmacist and offered up a large sum of cash. The pharmacist pulled him aside and agreed to sell Joe some experimental Viagra that had been taken off the market. He told Joe to only take 1/2 of a pill as this stuff was really potent. Joe returned home and thought to himself, that pharmacist has no idea what these women are like and I doubt 1/2 of a pill would cut it. Joe took a hand full of pills and got ready for his dates. The next day Joe showed back up at the pharmacist store. The pharmacist took one look at Joe and said my god you look awful. What'd you do get hit by a truck!? Joe said huh you think that's bad, take a look at this! Joe dropped his pants to reveal what was once Joe's cock. The pharmacist said holey shit Joe it looks like raw hamburger! Joe said "I know and it hurts like hell too. I just stopped by to pick up some Bengay. The pharmacist said, you can't put that on your dick it'll burn like hell! Joe said oh it's not for that. It's for my right arm. Those three women never showed up last night!!!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

You know that diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in the genes.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.
"ONE"
No one moves a muscle.
"TWO"
Everyone's extremely nervous at this point.
"READY OR NOT.... THR--"
All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy sees A sign in front of a house for "Talking Dog For Sale"...
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

[Akitu]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why did Steve Irwin's sun screen get recalled?
It didn't protect him from harmful rays.

The man died the way he lived, with animals in his heart.
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I decided long ago, if there is a hell, I'm likely going to it, so I might as well aim to make my trip a first class ride.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Helen Keller walks into a bar. Then a chair. Then a table.






It's a new priest's first day in church and he has to listen to confessions. A woman goes to sit inside the booth and says: 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob.'
The priest isn't sure what the punishment for blowjobs is, so he asks one of the altar boys about the bishop's punishments: 'Timmy, what does the bishop give for blowjobs?'
'Normally, he gives me a Mars bar.'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Cat walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. Bartender stares at him for a moment then ask "Are you going to drink it or just knock it over on purpose?

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why did Steve Irwin's sun screen get recalled?
It didn't protect him from harmful rays.

The man died the way he lived, with animals in his heart.

I take it you weren't planning on coming to Queensland for your next holiday then?

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

American tourists visit Russia and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.
Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.
The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.
Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I take it you weren't planning on coming to Queensland for your next holiday then?

Next holiday is not in the cards, perhaps sometime in the future though.

I love Steve Irwin, don't get me wrong, the man was an icon. I'm just going through my repository of jokes and that happened to be the joke du jour.