Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

How to cope if you're feeling old.

Be sure to read the comment below the comic.

Also, open the link at your own peril.

I remember my brother and old man having a verbal one day.
The old man says to the brother "get up there and get that for me will you."
The brother says "Why ?"
The old mans replies "cause your fitter and much younger than I am."
My witty brother chimes back "No! do it yourself. You're always telling us to use up the old one before starting on the new one."

The brother has a couple of similar one-liner witty comments to throw back at the old man.

[allan]

Re: Joke of the Day

15073512_1208518995905429_6493641499242224628_n.jpg

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]34743[/ATTACH]

Here's Cal Worthington and his dog Spot.

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

You're not helping[emoji14]

Sorry!

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

Joke of the day is getting a little dusty so.....



In an odd coincidence, the Queen of England and Dolly Parton die on the same day at the exact same time. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St Peter says "this is a problem, when two people die at the exact same time, we can only let one of them in. We have reviewed both of your records and we see that you both have led good lives, helped millions of strangers, and donated an enormous amount of time and money to charitable functions. As far as we can see it's a tie. We will allow you both to try and convince us which one of you should be allowed to enter". Dolly comes forward and removes her blouse. I think God will enjoy looking at these every day for eternity. St Peter looks over at the Queen. The Queen walks over to a nearby toilet and flushes it. St Peter immediately opens the Gates and motions the Queen to come in. Dolly says "what the heck? Why her and not me? St Peter says "Sorry Dolly, but no matter where, a Royal Flush beats a pair no matter how big they are". Emujo

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you guys hear about the roman who went feral and ate his wife?

She was terrible. I'm gladiator.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you guys hear about the roman who went feral and ate his wife?

She was terrible. I'm gladiator.

GROAN!!!

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Anonymous swingers party.
One chew Three,
Four and Five felt Six,
so Seven Eight Nine.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Anonymous swingers party.
One chew Three,
Four and Five felt Six,
so Seven Eight Nine.

That's why seven hates nine.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

That's why seven hates nine.

Six hates Seven , because Seven ate Nine.
Six said "Seven left with a bad taste."
Didn't want to feel Six like Four and Five.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Six hates Seven , because Seven ate Nine.
Six said "Seven left with a bad taste."
Didn't want to feel Six like Four and Five.

Boy, I got that one all wrong - remind me not to post late at night.

[fixthecopier]

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

Subject: VEET - hair remover gel


Apparently .....this letter was actually sent into VEET....

"After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working on North Sea oil rig and I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.......

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A teacher asked her students, "If there are seven flies, and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?"
One boy replied, "Just the squashed one."