Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt.
The cop says,

The drunk says,

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,whispering...
"Bob, you're a vet..."

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

HONESTY
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


MATH LESSONS
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


A PREDICTION
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her Father is getting his hair cut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."


RESERECTION
The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what the Resurrection is?"
Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
The pastor is still laughing.


REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "....

and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

[Desert Rat]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man went into a bar and asked for some 12 year old scotch whiskey. The bartender gave him the regular whiskey and the man replied
"This is not what I asked for, this is 2 year old JD. The Bartender apologized and gave the man a different brand from under the counter.
The man sipped the whiskey and again complained saying this is 7 year old JB. The bartender was amazed that the customer could tell
what it was. So he tried one more time and again the man said this is not what I wanted, it is 10 year old crown royal.
A drunk a couple of stools down the bar said that's amazing. Here try this one and slid a glass over and the man sipped it. He quickly
spit it on the floor saying this taste like piss water.

The drunk replied, "Ok how old am I?

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."

The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"

[mohan]

Re: Joke of the Day

The local Butcher, who had recently married a beautiful young wife had also hired a young apprentice.

One morning, the apprentice was in the cold room, with his trousers around his ankles, pleasuring himself with two pieces of liver, when the butchers wife walks in on him.

The Butchers wife tut-tuts, and says:
"That's nasty!".

She then locks the door, hikes her skirt up, takes her knickers off, raises one leg and whispers:
"Put that HERE".

The apprentice says:
"One piece, or both?"

[Desert Rat]

[mikadonovan]

Re: Joke of the Day

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

HONESTY
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


MATH LESSONS
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


A PREDICTION
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her Father is getting his hair cut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."


RESERECTION
The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what the Resurrection is?"
Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
The pastor is still laughing.


REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "....

and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

Thanks for the laughs, I needed that

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."



The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be a politician"

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Doctor: "I have some bad and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 Hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Butt all men....are men.
_________


Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
______________________________ __

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.


Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"


Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
______________________________ __


Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.


Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".


Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
______________________________ __

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
______________________________ __


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
______________________________ __


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'


'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________ __


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.


His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"


The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.


"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.


"Here boy" he replies.
______________________________ __

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.


"What the hell you doing?" he asks.


"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.


"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.


"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
______________________________ __

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
______________________________ __

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________ __
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

[FrohnB]

Re: Joke of the Day

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!"

She Removes all of her clothes and asks,

"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

"Here, Iron this".

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why men are not allowed.jpg

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.



A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:











In a Podiatrist's office:





On a Septic Tank Truck :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for,





On a Plumber's truck :





On another Plumber's truck :





At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :





On an Electrician's truck :





In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and





On a Maternity Room door





At a Car Dealership :





Outside a Muffler Shop:





In a Veterinarian's waiting room :





At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time





In a Restaurant window:





In the front yard of a Funeral Home :





At a Propane Filling Station:





In a Chicago Radiator Shop:







Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: