Joke of the Day

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Many people do not understand how they ran out of oil there in the United States.

The answer's quite simple - nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know they were falling short.

And most importantly, there is a geographical explanation to it. While all the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Colorado and Alaska, all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A teacher was talking about science to her 3rd grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she said.
A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty. The Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard.
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back real High and went 'Fffff! Fffff! Fffff!... And before he could say 'F***!' the Rottweiler ate him.

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to find his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the immigration officer asked sarcastically.

"Yes I have" replied the elderly gentleman.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready".

The British gentleman says "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".

"Impossible. British always have to show their passports on arrival in France".

The elderly gentleman gives the officer a long hard look then says "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find a single ****ing Frenchman to show it to".

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Big Boots




This woman went through a bad break up. She grieved over her lost relationship, but eventually got better and decided it was time to have some fun again. She went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
Seeing the beautiful woman, the cowboy offered her a drink and they started talking. After a while, the woman built up some confidence and asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is. Why don’t you come home with me and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”
“Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.


Over a double latte, the Greek mentions


"We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the


Temple of Apollo."





"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."





"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."





"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."





Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:


"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"





"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Investor Advice
For my investor friends - A Wonderful Rags to Riches Story

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Liam O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.


When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.


The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."


And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?"
The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."


"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"


That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.'


You put down - 'Neither do I.'

[slimslob]

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did they end up going 'Dutch [emoji23]

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

[slimslob]

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in therealready.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your sandwedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice."

Boy - 'I can't. I sold my ball and sand wedge, dad.'
Father - 'What! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

Father - 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is
far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church so
that you can confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy go into theconfession booth.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'





The priest says, 'Don't start that crap with me again. You're in mycloset now!'

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day