Re: Joke of the Day
-
-
Re: Joke of the Day
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.
A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.
The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen HawkingComment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong, but I say whatever floats your goat!Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
Three men died on Christmas Eve, and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,
You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.
The first man fumbled through his pockets, and pulled out a lighter - he flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys and shook them. "They're bells" said the man.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets, and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrow and asked "and just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols.""You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage, and no more yacht club. Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit card, and large bank account."
"But, he said, "The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Bobby?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says the husband.
"Ours is prettier!" she replies.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen HawkingComment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
I had a bukkake party last night. It was a disaster, nobody came!Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
I'll be hitting the road for the next few weeks, so my jokes will cease until I get back. Try not to miss the compendium too much!Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
Pro pro tip: Bing is actually better at searching for NSFW things than Google.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
-
Re: Joke of the Day
Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.Comment
Comment