[Funny] Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

This can be an ongoing thread without having to post a new thread for every joke that you find.

I'll start with a "Dumb Blonde" (sorry ladies) joke;

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

Parachute Jumping

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

::Joke of the day::
A family of moles woke up in their underground den one bright sunny morning.
Father mole pokes his head out of the ground and say's "hmm I smell waffles with honey".
Mother mole the pokes her head out and says "I smell pancakes and syrup ".
The baby mole struggling to get past his parents, shouts "all I can smell is mol-asses".

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two blonds walk into a bar.



The door said PULL.

[Jules Winfield]

Re: Joke of the Day

So I saw this little old lady getting mugged on the street the other day and despite my self preservation instinct, I just had to get involved. She was a tough old broad, but in the end, we got her purse.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?



Kermits undivided attention!

[igi]

Re: Joke of the Day

Hi
asked the boss to go home early.
he still laughing.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says "Don't try to start anything".

Horse walks into a bar, bartender ask "Why the long face".

I just read the book "100 things to do Before You Die". I can't believe "yell for help" wasn't one of them.


Two rednecks are walking down the road and see a dog laying in the road licking his balls. One of them says, "Boy I wish I could do that!" The other one replies, "You better not. That son of a bitch might bite you!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two women on their way back from a night out stop in at their local graveyard for a wee-stop.
One wipes her fanny with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath of flowers.
Their two husbands were in the pub the next day.
One hubby says, "I'd better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on."
The other man says, "That's stuff all mate, mine came home last night with a card wedged in her backside saying, We'll never forget you. From all the boys at the firestation..

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Who's the boss

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

The Brain said "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
The Blood said "No! I should be in charge, because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the Stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the Legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the Eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
Finally the Rectum said "I should be in charge, because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the Rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the Brain had a terrible headache, the Stomach was bloated, the Legs got wobbly,
the Eyes got watery, and the Blood was toxic. They all decided that the Rectum should be the boss
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Crime in a multi-storey car park is just wrong on so many different levels!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah , you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, . There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious,
but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, .
Sometimes the bull wins.

[igi]

Re: Joke of the Day

Crime in a multi-storey car park is just wrong on so many different levels!

thats deep.

[igi]

Re: Joke of the Day

What is the fastest way to exit Europe?

via the city of Manchester

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Conversation in Heaven SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.