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Re: Joke of the Day
Irish Remorse
Apology from an Irish Hospital... SUCH COMPASSION
DEAR MR. MURPHY,
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.
It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and says, "Good job".
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the arsehole's name.3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.
A FAVORITE...
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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Re: Joke of the Day
This maths test can predict YOUR all-time most-watched film.
Mine was Saving Private Ryan
Try it without looking at the answers. It's easy and really works:
Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply that by 3.
Add those two digits together.
Use that number to find your all time favourite movie in the list below.
Your number is:
1. Gone With the Wind.
2. Aliens.
3. Dances with Wolves.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Doctor Zhivago.
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
THE RED PHONE
ALL ONTARIO FOLKS WILL APPRECIATE THIS ONE
Kathleen Wynn, Donald Trump,
and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask
what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is
for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that
the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a
cheque..
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is
6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Kathleen Wynn gets her turn and calls
Ontario for 4 hours.
When she's finished, the devil informed her
that there would be no charge and feel free to
call Ontario anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil
why Kathleen Wynn got to call Ontario free.
The devil replied, "Since Kathleen Wynn became
Premier of Ontario, the province has gone to hell,
so it's a local call."
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Re: Joke of the Day
A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.
UP
Read until the end ... You'll laugh.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UPthe house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UPat night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it mwas is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap itUP, for now . . . My time is UP!
Oh . . . One more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . Or not . . . it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP!Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Marriage (Part I)
Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
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Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
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Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
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Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
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THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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God may have created man before woman, but there Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes...Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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